1 year. 1 year breaks down to 12 months, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600
minutes, and 31, 536, 00 seconds…
But who’s counting?
1 year, 12 months, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, and 31, 536, 00 seconds…that’s how long my heart has been incomplete. A very special piece of it missing. A piece that only one small spot on this entire globe, will ever fill.
Today marks one year since my feet left African soil.
Where has this year gone?
Today is July 27, 2016 but I remember July 27, 2015
‘like it was yesterday’. One year since
the last rounds of hugs and smiles that are now only a memory captured on
photos and instilled in my heart. Throughout
the hugs and tears of saying, “Goodbye” the main thought going through my head
was, “Don’t cry Nikki”. It was followed
by, “Once you start, you won’t be able to stop.
Hold on just a little longer. Cry
them out on the plane and then ‘pretend’ everything is okay upon landing back
in Canada”.
Truth is, I don’t honestly know if I ever truly cried
the way I needed to…either on the plane or in the months/year that
followed. Yes, I had my moments. My moments of, ‘what the *insert choice word
here*’ followed by anger, hurt, pain and confusion. Moments where culture shock really was too
much (or so it seemed) for me. Such as
the time where I literally almost walked into the automatic doors at the local
mall entrance. Moments where I have
gone, “Remember that time in Zambia when…” only to stop what I was saying
because it dawned on me that no one at home will ever truly ‘get’ what I experienced. Those were the moments of frustration and ‘forget
about it, you wouldn’t understand anyways’ conversation ending comments. There have also been moments where I’ve felt
like giving the person before me a good ‘shake’ as I starred at them in utter
disbelief at the idiotic, un-educated comment that just left their mouth. Stunned and confused, I walked away silently
praying, “Dear God, close my mouth before I say something I will regret…”
However, I want to re-share something I wrote August
9, 2015 on a blog upon returning from Zambia.
“I recall a
conversation that I had during one of my last nights in Zambia. I was really struggling with coming home. How was I supposed to ‘let go’ of the people
who had grown so very dear to my heart?
How was I supposed to ‘let them go’ knowing that I may never see them again? How was I supposed to be ‘okay’ knowing the
disease running rampaged through their bodies and that I couldn’t do anything
about it? How was any of this ok?
I was told something along these lines, “Nikki, it is
not a matter of if you’re ‘ok’ with any of this. It is a matter of knowing who God is and
continuing to daily surrender your (my) life and the lives of the kids here (and
those at home) to Him regardless of what is going on inside your heart. God has ordained each and every moment and
step along the way. He brought you back
to Zambia now for a reason and now your (my) job is ask yourself, ‘what is it
that God is wanting you to learn from the people/kids here (in Zambia) in your
life? How is He using what you are
feeling now, to stir you on through the gifts, passions, desires and heart in
which He has given you?”
There are some days in which I think I know the answer. Days in which I think I have it ‘all together” but then reality kicks me in the
butt.
Truth
is, I don’t know.
Most days, I am a complete mess that is struggling to
stay above. Most days consist of me still
trying to figure out the answer to that question.
Yes, I have taken strides over this past year and yes,
God continues to walk alongside me in the process as well. If I’ve learned anything since I became a
Jesus follower, it is that following Jesus is a lifelong process. He is constantly refining us, shaping us into
who He is calling us to be. We are
human.
The reality is we will mess up
and we will make mistakes…but there is ALWAYS ALWAYS Grace.
Words cannot express how incredible thankful I remain,
for the opportunity God gave me to go back.
It truly was God ordained and driven…each and every step along the
way. Another example of He truly is the
GOOD Father who knows us better than we ever will know ourselves. He provides for us even when we are unaware
of what our hearts truly need. Returning
to Zambia when I did, is just one example of this within my own life.
So
what was it that God specifically wanted me to learn from the people/kids in Zambia?
I’ve realized that it is not so much what He wanted me
to learn…rather it is what He wanted
to DO within me. Through my ‘kids’ at
Grace, God began a powerful healing
process within me. A healing process
that I never knew I needed, nor could I have imagined. Through my ‘youth’ here at home, He continues that healing process in a way
that is just as powerful as when He began.
There is no ‘secret formula’ nor is it ‘rocket science’. It’s quite a simple process really. Every day begins with a realization that every breath I
take in that day, is a precious precious gift.
It is a gift I don’t deserve but it is a gift God has chosen to give me. From there, I must do all I can to serve Him
by serving others. To LOVE Him by loving others; regardless of the situation. Though the process is simple, the application
is a lot hard and I know that I am
not the same person today, as I was a year ago when I stepped off that plane
back in Winnipeg. I’ve changed and I
have grown but I also know that the healing process He began over a year ago,
is far from finished. It’s a journey. A life-long journey with Jesus that I know will
continue to take me on crazy adventures here and now, and around this globe.
Thank Goodness I got the Creator of the Universe in
the ‘drivers seat’ guiding me each and every step of the way! Above all else, I am thankful to know my Creator. He, who created me in HIS image, knows
every single hair on my head and whose thoughts about me, outweigh the grains
of sand, and whose ways are higher than mine and greater than mine ever will
be.
Thank you Jesus; for loving me the way only You
can.
