Simple Faith

As I sit in the comfort of my own home, I wrestle with the thought "DO I, or do I not blog about this'...as of late- I have been very busy.  No, not in the sense of having things up every evening...but in the sense that my mind has felt extremely full and busy and I do not know what to do with all of it.  It seems as though 'old techniques' of journal-ling, going for walks, and just talking-do not seem to do it for me anymore.  That said, the DO still help and I know I need to do more of that all-yet at the same time...there is this thirst, this longing in me for something more.

Sad thing is though, is that I know what I need/should do.  Its really quite simple...yet because of the 'noise' in my brain and the distractions around me (ie this computer, cell, the tv just to name a few), I simply cannot  wont, do it.

Like I said, these  is this thirst, this longing inside of me for something more-something greater.  Yes I KNOW the Truth and I know where I stand in regards to my faith.  I know God loves me with an unending love (Jeremiah 31:3).  I know that, through Him all things are possible and that He works the good in all things for those that believe (Romans 8:28)....

so why is it so hard then for me to sit down, relax and READ HIS Word?

They say that the best way to get to know someone is by spending time with the person...and getting to know God, well the same thing must happen as well.  God knows US inside and out--scripture makes that clear-but do we really know Him?  At this point, I am NOT looking for a 'spiritual debate' or some major discussion on theology of life or anything of that matter.  I want to just be able to believe and spend time with my Creator.  I want to be able to willingly to go the bible and approach it with a JOY, with an awe of wanting/craving to know God.  I want to become 'like a child' and have yet again, a 'child like' faith.

I want a simple faith.

A faith where I know God loves me no matter what.

I want a faith like my grandma's...who doesn't have a BA in Biblical studies.  Who didn't analyze scripture inside and out..looking at the Greek, Hebrew and Arabic meaning of a word.  A faith where when it says,

 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

 and

“I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."
(Jeremiah 31:3)

 If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29 

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4 

A simple faith.  That is what I want.

 

*Disclaimer- by a 'simple faith', I am in NO way meaning to 'put God in a box', nor do I "fully understand Him' cause that was, and is not, the purpose of this post at all.  None of us can/or should underestimate/overestimate God.  He is too great for us.  I just want to get to a point in my own walk with Him, where I realize that I never will "know everything" and to just be OKAY with that...to simple rest in His presence and Grace.  To allow His love to substain me.* 

Hurt

Ever have one of those conversations...where someone says something and they do not really notice, or are aware, of how deep the words they just spoke, hurt you?

This happened to me today and the impact that the words had on me, I only realized after the fact.  As soon as I heard them, they did "sting" but I quickly turned that over to God through prayer...yet as I think about the words now...they just tick me off.  So this post, maybe a bit of a 'venting' session...just forewarned.

For whatever reason, truth be told, I am having a hard time 'letting people in' about the race...or rather, informing them of it.  Today sort of reminded me 'why' that that is.  This reason, does NOT justify it, nor does it excuse me from letting people know...but it makes it all the harder to tell people about it.

Ok, you gotta keep in mind, that I live in a small town on the Canadian prairies of about 4000 people, so, whether you want it to or not, and whether you LIKE it or not, people WILL talk about you.  People WILL gossip about you. Reputation, unfortunately, is a huge thing and, people will not admit this, but jealously is a huge thing here too.  The motto of 'keeping up with the Jone's" seems to come to my mind with a LOT of people in the area. 

For example; "did you hear? so and so got a new massive camper that is nicer than my home.  How can they afforrd that, a brand new 2013 truck, boat, ATV etc "  OR  "did you hear that so and so are going to Mexico yet again!?!? This is their third time there this winter!  BUT WE are going here and here and here and we got it at SUCH a good deal...hahahaha"

Get my feeling? 

Now, this is NOT a post to "bash' my town or the people here..cause honestly...I have grown to love it since graduating from college...its just on days like today-it REALLY ticks me off.  

And the comment made to me...although I DO understand where it is coming from...really rubbed me the wrong way...However, the biggest thing that got me...wasn't necessary the comment itself..rather WHO it came from.

I went for a walk with my dad (yes IN the freezing cold :P) and he brought up the race...which ok, was cool because I know he does have mixed feelings towards it (which is normal for any trip Ive done/been on...we just deal with it and make it work).  My plan, is to slowly talk to my parents about it, (yes they are both well aware that this is what I AM doing no matter what-so it is not like they do not know about it) and allow them time to get used to the idea of me doing it.  So the conversation started off great.  He asked about AIM and specifically the WR.  He then asked about the people I will be traveling with...if I knew anyone from the area etc etc so I mentioned that "no I do not know anyone from the area who is going but I have been skyping teammates and its really cool".  He seemed cool with that so that was good. Then, just as we were walking up near to the house- he goes and says something like this, "just don't tell too many people and be careful to who, and how, you say it and talk about your trip too-you do not want to make people mad"

HELLO TOTALLY OFFENDED

First off-I think I know how to handle myself pretty good around people
Second of all-people that really know me...will NOT be hurt, or mad at me for going on the WR
Third of all- This is a HUGE thing for me..and i KNOW I will need mega prayer support and by tellign people about it, is the only way I am going to get it


Yah, I was mad.  God and I had quite the chat as I walked back to my apartment later.  I just couldnt believe he said that how he did...like really dad, dont you know me? I tried to stress to him my second point, about how the people who know me, will be/are nothing but excited and happy and SUPPORTIVE of me...

I know that this is something I will have to work through with my dad yet. Believe me. I do know that.  But right now, I really dont want to at all. I sometimes just want to smack him upside the head and knock some sense into him....but then again, I honestly do not think that that will help.  yes, some of it is just his personality...but part of it is also this @$!@ town.  I totally get/understand when he talks about people heading down south 'left right and center' and how when THEY talk about it, it is in a form of "rubbing it in' and 'flashing' the fact that they have money to do that where as others do not. 

I know this has always been a sensitive issue with my dad...money I mean..as I know there has not always been a lot extra and I KNOW how hard he works and always has worked, to provide for us.  I honestly do not know anybody who works harder for their family then my dad does for ours...and I really DO love him for it...I just wish that he would see that there is so much more to life then money money money.  I just do not know how to get it through to him.

oh a side, somewhat random note which is funny in a not so funny way....part of me cannnot wait for the day when certain people stand before God and have to answer to Him.  People that I know here, who serve nothing BUT money (however that may look). People who I know DO look 'down' on me or give me that look of "oh, Nikki is doing some sort of missions 'kick' again".

Guess what people, its not a 'kick'.  Missions, serving God and reaching people for HIM; will give me a greater rewards eternally than your money will ever give you.  (side note, I know I should not be doing this for 'reward', and I am not-trust me---I just re read that and it may sound a little like that...but that is NOT what I am implying in that statement at all..I am just saying in the long run, people's money, their degrees that they spent 1000's of dollars, and time on...will end.  Thhose things will not be joining them in eternity).

Life is about relationships. Not money.  I still clearly remember the time I spent while overseas on different trips...how the PEOPLE that I met, impacted me.  How, for example, watching my Filipino 'sister', who I have SO MUCH respect for, minister and love those street kids in Metro Manila..and seeeing those "rough' street kids who travel blogs warn about-love her back with a love that most of us never will understand...blows my mind and I am so incredibly blessed to have been able to share/experience just a small piece of that in my life. That moment, was 101% worth every penny I spent to go..and I would do it again.

Zambia...exactually the same thing. I've spent $7000 in a span of 19 months to go to Zambia for 4 weeks total.  I would do it again.  In a heart beat.  Until people experience things like that for themselves...they will never 'get it'...this fact saddens me and frustrates me, to a core.  In the meantime...I will keep doing what I can, to love even the 'least of these' and pray that God will work, that He will shine through me...cause I know He will.

KaaaaAAA BOOOM

Random title, for a random blog.  It seemed fitting.

Where do I start? What do I say? HOW do I say it?

No One said this life would be easy...I mean after all, when you invest into people's lives...life gets messy.  Heck, my own life is a mess and by no means, do I have my own life figured out yet.

I was asked the other day at work..."what was/am I still doing here?" (Here as in at my work place).  I kind of sighed, paused and responded with "because of my youth ministry".

Now this, is a totally true statement-I love my youth and the ministry I am apart of-that I am NOT complaining with at all...but the part that got me, wasnt so much the "here' and "now" part of life..but rather the fact of what the heck am I going to do with my life?

What am I doing with my life?  Isnt that the million dollar question that we all have?  Yah know, its kind of funny really...because I just finished having a conversation with my mom who is also, sorta, in the same "boat' as me.  Let's just say that things are going pretty rough now at her job and was just curious what my thought would be if she would quit.  My reaction?  "umm are you serious or are you pulling my leg here?"  She was quite serious.  Her question too, was "what's next?"  Now, there are a few more factors that have lead up to potentially her quitting-things that are totally not job related-but I still find it interesting how we are both sorta at this 'stage of life' in our own different ways.

Now, I realize that this blog is totally and completely random.  I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head.  Life is messy. We all know that.  But what happens when it "catches up with you" to a point where you do not know what to do?  Am I struggling? No...I dont think I would go that far to say that...maybe the word 'wrestling' is better. 

It funny really...at youth lately we have been talking about prayer.  About praying for ourselves and those around us...see the blog posted below this one...or click HERE and as I was re reading/thinking about my last blog..question 4 really hit me. "do you allow people to help carry your
burdens, or do you do things alone"

Truth be told-when it comes to me, myself and I... I find it very hard to let people in to carry my burdens.  My thinking goes like this (which may or may not be good/bad...thats for each of us to decide). I KNOW they are going through their own trials and heartaches...and really, mine are so small compared to theirs...so why do I want to 'weigh' them down' more with my own problems?"

Pick me. I totally do things on my own.

Enter World Race.  Training camp is taking place 4 months from yesterday..with launch happening about 6-7 weeks after...that will ALL be here before we know it and I AM SO NOT READY for it in ANY means.  Please do not get me wrong...I am truly stoked for it, for meeting new people, and serving God in the places He leads...yet at the same time...hellllllllllllllllooooooo 'doubting' period!
Now, I am NOT doubting going ON the race and really, I don't know what I am actually feeling or trying to say. Maybe its the fact that I 'appear' to be that strong person for everybody, when in reality, a part of me is crumbling inside. 

Today, was a good example of this.  I LOVE my squad.  I truly honestly do.  They have already blessed, encouraged and totally picked me up when I have needed them too and for that, I will be always thankful for.  I skyped with some people today and it was awesome to see how God is continually working in their lives to slowly take down the 'walls' they have built up and to heal from past hurts.  Super encouraging and I have a lot to learn from them as far as letting people 'in" thats for sure.  I need to take what I told my youth girls this last week, about letting people in, to heart.  To actually DO THAT myself with those around me. To get the thought, "they have enough to deal with that they dont need my minor problems' out of my head and to be open.  To trust them (and others) around me. 

It isn't just my squad (so if any of you read this, please know that it is NOT you).  I have always been like this.  Even (especially) in high school.  I think that it is because of jr and sr high school life-that made/makes it difficult for me to open up--even to close friends.  There was not anything dramatic that happened to me in high school-but there was definitely a LOT of friend drama in my group of girls.  Yet I also know, that there was stuff happening that I KNEW was happening..but at the same time, didn't. (if that at all makes sense).  My mind set then was, ' Well, it doesnt concern me...why stress out about it? why get 'involved' into people's lives if its just going to stress/hurt me more'.  I know now, that this was not a good way to think, as by shutting myself out of other people's lives, I, in turn, shut people out of my life too.  Thus teaching myself, sorta, how to deal with/live with things on my own. 

Am I a slow learner? totally. 

my college roommate and I got super close and would literally spend hours talking and sharing what was on our hearts-she was probably the person that I was the most open with ever (hey, when you live together for 3 years..its bound to happen! :) ).  I say "was" instead of 'is' because, well life happens. People change or get married or move on in life.  In the case with her, we still are really good friends and I KNOW I can tell her anything and she's 'got my back'--buuuutt life happens like I said.  this past fall, I was maid of honour in her wedding.  It was a total blessing and the guy she married-is amazing (so that is not the problem) but its another change...another thing to get used to and re adjust.  I know she is just a 'text away' but lets be honest now..things ARE different (as they should be given the fact that she is married..so I am not saying that they are wrong..just different)

I do not know where I am going with this blog.  It seems to be a mumble juumble mess of thoughts...so I hope you followed and I hope it made a little sense.  If it did not make sense. Just pray. Just pray for me.  Pray that I can be open.  Honest and continually give my life over to Christ and allow HIM to carry me.  Some days are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier than others.  Today, was a tough day to remember that...to give it all to HIM.

Am I a slow learner?  yes I am.  but bare with me...I am learning. day by day. Moment by moment.

God Bless
GO bless

Bittersweet

I know I do have my other WR blog which I am constantly updating..but sometimes its good to come back to where it "all began' and just blog here.  I do not know who, or how many, people still read this...and yes I do like my other blog too-but sometimes...to just blog and NOT have a lot of people (if any) read it..helps. So this is what that is...its a bittersweet blog.

Training Camp dates got released today for July 2013 World Race.  They are happening May 18-25.  RIGHT AWAY our Facebook group wall shot up with posts, about people car pooling etc etc.  All GREAT things and I really AM super excited for it and to meet these awesome people that God has placed right now in my life and to then travel and serve with them, through GOD in missions...yet honestly...I am not counting down days yet. Surprise coming from me...it really is.

I was reminded as to 'why' tonight at youth.  Seriously, LOVE youth ministry.  As high as the 'walls' are in some young people's lives...once  you slowly begin to get over the 'walls' its pure Gold on the other side.  When they start opening up, letting you in bit by bit..its not something I take forganted at all.  It is not a right that I have.  It is a privilege and honour that THEY choose to give to me and when they do (and just people in general), what a blessing it is.

I was also reminded tonight through our youth pastor speaking on prayer (SUCH a good series that he is doing) about, not only the importance of praying for others...but the importance of praying for SELF as well.  It made me ask myself...Do I pray for myself?  I am not talking the "God, give me this and this and that.." sort of prayers...but perhaps prayers that King David prayed.  Or King Solomon...the wisest man ever.  God said he could have anything he wanted..he asked for wisdom.  some may say that that was foolish..I would say its smart.

But, back to the inital questions..here are some others that we used/asked the youth to share their thoughts on..

2. Do you pray for yourself? What is the hardest part about praying for yourself?
Do you think it is important to pray for yourself? Why?

3. Do you pray for others? What is the hardest part about praying for others?
Why?

4. It can be tough to let people in, do you allow people to help carry your
burdens, or do you do things alone? Are you able to help others carry theirs?

Tough questions they are thats for sure...but they are also important to ask and then think about.    All I know, is that God has been showing me lately, the importance of living for Him, hearing His voice (even when we dont think He is talking to us, or feels near us)...because HE is near. He is right beside you actually. 

He is reaching down and holding you. Do you feel it?  I do.

Soak it in. Embrace Him.  Trust HIM to guide your steps.

Its been a bitter sweet day of crazy emotions..

but praise God, each day is new.  New mercies and grace-each day.  He's got this guys....

He's got you!!