Finding "Me"

This weekend, will mark 3 months upon returning from the World Race. Within those 3 months, I have experienced every emotion possible (and then some).  Re-entry is seriously NO JOKE.  Name an emotion and, chances are, I have experienced it. Seriously…culture shock…who knew?

The ‘Honey moon’ stage of being home, quickly ended and my heart yearned for the days of ministry on the race.  It missed the strangers that quickly became friends and, even quicker, became my family for 11 months. They “got” me.  They knew where I was coming from and they knew of the struggles I faced while on the race.  They were also well aware, of the similar struggles we had since being home.

Truth be told, I was angry. I was hurt, lost and I felt completely alone.  I KNEW KNOW who I am on “the missions field”, but I struggled with finding out just, ‘who I am now’ at home.  Back in life where a “9-5 job’ is ‘normal.  Where we drive on the right side of the road and where people actually use laundry machines to wash their clothes (instead of by hand that I was so used to doing).  As complex as it was at times, life on the race was ‘simple’.  I wanted people to ‘get’ me like they once did. Yet I wrestled inwardly because, how were they, supposed to ‘get’ me when I MYSELF was still trying to figure stuff out? It wasn’t fair to them and it certainly wasn’t fair to me.

As you may know, my original plans upon returning home, literally got thrown out the window with one email. All of a sudden, I was jobless, school-less and had 3 full months to ‘kill’ and to figure out the next step in life.  I felt as though I had just finished high school and was once again in that, “now what?” stage of life.

God works in interesting ways though. Even here at home.  As I was wrestling in my own self doubt and lack of confidence, I could feel God telling me to, “REST.” “REST Nikki. REST IN ME.  MY plans for YOU are great. You trusted me while overseas…but that trust doesn’t stop now that you are ‘home’.  In fact, your ‘battle’ is only starting, but you KNOW I AM WITH YOU. So rest.”

So I did. 

I spent time with friends, family, youth and simply learning to be ‘me’ again.  I allowed myself to sleep in and to stay in my PJ’s all day without feeling bad.  I watched more NCIS than I care to admit and I realized that I really would be ‘okay’ as God did not forget about me.

This past month, has been one of the BEST months since being home.  God has totally brought things ‘full circle’ and continues to break my heart for what breaks His right here.  I was able to be a part of my youth mission’s team to a small Metis community for a week of VBS and ministry.  I was going ‘home’.  Back to the start of where God began to truly stir my heart for missions.  The week FLEW by and I so wasn’t ready to leave.  I LOVED seeing my youth, ‘in action’ serving the kids, playing with them, teaching stories, and singing songs.  Watching them encourage, build up and support one another…is a moment I know I won’t be forgetting. God is raising up leaders among our youth people and I’ve never been prouder to be a part of something so great happening here at home.  Hearing their God stories. Taking risks and telling things as they were, blessed, encouraged and strengthened us as a whole.  The thought of, “if ONLY church was truly like this…” crossed my mind a number of times.  God didn’t speak that week in a roaring fire, or mighty Wind.  He spoke through HIS people. His chosen, holy, yet broken, young people.   

And boy, did I listen. 

Yet God still wasn’t done.  He knew I craved World Race community and brought me back to the place where THAT all began…LONG before I even knew I would someday go on my own race with a crazy group of radicals.  He brought me back to TMBC, a camp I worked at one summer 6 years ago for two weeks.  He brought me back to the directors who spoke an incredible Truth into my life and, in doing so, stirred my heart once again for youth and youth ministry.  The stories I heard while at camp, simply said…wrecked me. My co cabin leader and I, had the BEST group of 14-19 year olds possible for a cabin at camp.  Our evening “5 minute” devotionals quickly became an hour long discussion on everything and anything.  Mornings rolled around all to quickly, but God always provided strength that was needed for the day.

At the end of the week at our Friday night campfire, God humbled me time and time

again through the stories and testimonies of what happened that week.  Lives were literally changed (and saved) in a span of a week.  One of the girls stood up and flat out admitted to wanting to come to camp to commit suicide, yet God grabbed hold of her heart and soon, she accepted Jesus into her own life as her personal Saviour.  Another girl stood up and talked about how she didn’t know where she would be sleeping once camp was done, but she trusted Jesus to provide a bed for her.  

Faith. Incredible. Deep rooted. Faith.

Faith that I thought was ‘lost’ upon landing back in North America.  Faith that I thought was only possible overseas and in cultures that are not my own.  Yet here it was.  Shining through the lives of campers during a high school week of camp.

As I step into becoming a student and going back to university in a few short days…I don’t know what lies ahead.  Truth is, I am scared. If I could, I’d rather hop on a plane to take me away to a place unknown. Yet I know, God has called me here.  Right now, He has called me to a season of schooling.  The next chapter within a life that is simply trying to follow after her Creator.  

KaaaaAAA BOOOM

Random title, for a random blog.  It seemed fitting.

Where do I start? What do I say? HOW do I say it?

No One said this life would be easy...I mean after all, when you invest into people's lives...life gets messy.  Heck, my own life is a mess and by no means, do I have my own life figured out yet.

I was asked the other day at work..."what was/am I still doing here?" (Here as in at my work place).  I kind of sighed, paused and responded with "because of my youth ministry".

Now this, is a totally true statement-I love my youth and the ministry I am apart of-that I am NOT complaining with at all...but the part that got me, wasnt so much the "here' and "now" part of life..but rather the fact of what the heck am I going to do with my life?

What am I doing with my life?  Isnt that the million dollar question that we all have?  Yah know, its kind of funny really...because I just finished having a conversation with my mom who is also, sorta, in the same "boat' as me.  Let's just say that things are going pretty rough now at her job and was just curious what my thought would be if she would quit.  My reaction?  "umm are you serious or are you pulling my leg here?"  She was quite serious.  Her question too, was "what's next?"  Now, there are a few more factors that have lead up to potentially her quitting-things that are totally not job related-but I still find it interesting how we are both sorta at this 'stage of life' in our own different ways.

Now, I realize that this blog is totally and completely random.  I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head.  Life is messy. We all know that.  But what happens when it "catches up with you" to a point where you do not know what to do?  Am I struggling? No...I dont think I would go that far to say that...maybe the word 'wrestling' is better. 

It funny really...at youth lately we have been talking about prayer.  About praying for ourselves and those around us...see the blog posted below this one...or click HERE and as I was re reading/thinking about my last blog..question 4 really hit me. "do you allow people to help carry your
burdens, or do you do things alone"

Truth be told-when it comes to me, myself and I... I find it very hard to let people in to carry my burdens.  My thinking goes like this (which may or may not be good/bad...thats for each of us to decide). I KNOW they are going through their own trials and heartaches...and really, mine are so small compared to theirs...so why do I want to 'weigh' them down' more with my own problems?"

Pick me. I totally do things on my own.

Enter World Race.  Training camp is taking place 4 months from yesterday..with launch happening about 6-7 weeks after...that will ALL be here before we know it and I AM SO NOT READY for it in ANY means.  Please do not get me wrong...I am truly stoked for it, for meeting new people, and serving God in the places He leads...yet at the same time...hellllllllllllllllooooooo 'doubting' period!
Now, I am NOT doubting going ON the race and really, I don't know what I am actually feeling or trying to say. Maybe its the fact that I 'appear' to be that strong person for everybody, when in reality, a part of me is crumbling inside. 

Today, was a good example of this.  I LOVE my squad.  I truly honestly do.  They have already blessed, encouraged and totally picked me up when I have needed them too and for that, I will be always thankful for.  I skyped with some people today and it was awesome to see how God is continually working in their lives to slowly take down the 'walls' they have built up and to heal from past hurts.  Super encouraging and I have a lot to learn from them as far as letting people 'in" thats for sure.  I need to take what I told my youth girls this last week, about letting people in, to heart.  To actually DO THAT myself with those around me. To get the thought, "they have enough to deal with that they dont need my minor problems' out of my head and to be open.  To trust them (and others) around me. 

It isn't just my squad (so if any of you read this, please know that it is NOT you).  I have always been like this.  Even (especially) in high school.  I think that it is because of jr and sr high school life-that made/makes it difficult for me to open up--even to close friends.  There was not anything dramatic that happened to me in high school-but there was definitely a LOT of friend drama in my group of girls.  Yet I also know, that there was stuff happening that I KNEW was happening..but at the same time, didn't. (if that at all makes sense).  My mind set then was, ' Well, it doesnt concern me...why stress out about it? why get 'involved' into people's lives if its just going to stress/hurt me more'.  I know now, that this was not a good way to think, as by shutting myself out of other people's lives, I, in turn, shut people out of my life too.  Thus teaching myself, sorta, how to deal with/live with things on my own. 

Am I a slow learner? totally. 

my college roommate and I got super close and would literally spend hours talking and sharing what was on our hearts-she was probably the person that I was the most open with ever (hey, when you live together for 3 years..its bound to happen! :) ).  I say "was" instead of 'is' because, well life happens. People change or get married or move on in life.  In the case with her, we still are really good friends and I KNOW I can tell her anything and she's 'got my back'--buuuutt life happens like I said.  this past fall, I was maid of honour in her wedding.  It was a total blessing and the guy she married-is amazing (so that is not the problem) but its another change...another thing to get used to and re adjust.  I know she is just a 'text away' but lets be honest now..things ARE different (as they should be given the fact that she is married..so I am not saying that they are wrong..just different)

I do not know where I am going with this blog.  It seems to be a mumble juumble mess of thoughts...so I hope you followed and I hope it made a little sense.  If it did not make sense. Just pray. Just pray for me.  Pray that I can be open.  Honest and continually give my life over to Christ and allow HIM to carry me.  Some days are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier than others.  Today, was a tough day to remember that...to give it all to HIM.

Am I a slow learner?  yes I am.  but bare with me...I am learning. day by day. Moment by moment.

God Bless
GO bless