Hands (Finding JOY in death)

On April 23, 1992, I had just turned 4 thirty five days earlier.  From what I remember, life was good.  I mean, I was only 4 years old so how ‘bad’ could it be right? When I woke up that morning, little did I (or anyone in my family) knew of the somber day that laid before my entire family. April 23, 1992 is the day that my grandma went to be with Jesus.  It has been 24 years since that day and the pain of the loss, is still there.  As a 4-year old, I didn’t understand what had happened and I especially didn’t understand words such as ‘Chemo’, ‘cancer’, ‘death’, ‘heaven’, ‘God’.  I didn’t know what a funeral consisted of or why people wore black and gave things called eulogies at them.  Cemeteries and caskets were something that my eyes hadn’t seen prior.  I lost a bit of innocence that day, as the reality of the world I was/am growing up in, became a bit more ‘real’. 

As a 28 year old, I now understand what ‘chemo’ and ‘cancer’ are and, although I don’t think I will ever fully understand the words; ‘death’, ‘heaven’ or ‘God’, I do have a greater understanding of them and most importantly, of WHO God is.  I have been to more funerals than I can count, both here at home and while overseas.  Funerals of people I’ve known my entire life, and funerals of people whom I literally just met.  Through these various funerals; the reality of just how fragile life truly is, has been a stark reminder.  From witnessing my own grandma’s funeral when I was 4, to seeing row upon row of small grave sites as I listened to the wails of African women at the funeral of a month old ‘dump’ baby last spring, in Zambia.  Having been asked, and then giving the eulogy at my uncle’s funeral this past fall became a stark reminder that when death comes, death comes.  This past week, we lost a precious individual at work to death.  A young man of 35 years of age, whose smile lit up those around him.  Although I didn’t know him long, I am going to miss seeing his smile each and every day and the joy that came with it. 

I have walked on many cemetery sites locally and aboard, and I have seen many different sized caskets since my grandma’s 24 years ago. Truth is, it still isn’t easy.  Death isn’t easy.  Don’t give me the line, “at least they are no longer suffering” or “I am sorry for your loss”.  I have long since lost all innocence that my once 4 year old self had.  I understand pain and I understand loss.  Reality is; Death sucks no matter the age.  Period. End of story.

However, today I choose to have a different perspective on death.  Today I chose to be thankful for life, for my own mom and the gift she has been/is in my own life.  Although we don’t always get along (what mother/daughter relationship does?!?) I am thankful that, at the end of the day, I know she is here and I know I can hug her one more time.  Those hugs, any time spent with her, will forever be cherished.  Mom, I love you so much!Today I am thankful she is two provinces away spending time with her grandson, laughing and making priceless memories.  I am thankful Peregrine HAS the chance to spend time with his grandma.  He truly had no idea how blessed he is to have her as his grandma.  I am thankful for the love that my mom already has for Peregrine’s younger brother or sister, set to grace us with their presence in July.  

Today I am thankful for the gift of ‘hands’ my own grandma instilled in each of her daughters (my aunts) and son (my uncle).  Yes, they are a ‘crazy bunch of Brauns’ but their hands of ‘touched’ more lives than you or I will ever know.  I am thankful for their teachings and influence upon my life, encouraging me to use my ‘hands’ no matter where in the world I am.  As I take a moment and look upon my own hands, I marvel at the stories they could tell.  In 28 years, my hands have been on some incredible adventures all around the world.  They have held countless of kids, in all walks of life.  They’ve been that support, whether physically helping a young lady girl off a pole in Thailand’s Red Light District, or lifting my local youth girls up in prayer as I looked down upon the beautiful smile of an 8 year old African child who has forever changed my life. Thank you Jesus, for the gift of hands that you have blessed my family with.

Thank you Jesus; for dying the ultimate death so that in YOU, we may have life eternal.

Dear Cambodia (a message from my heart)

Dear Cambodia

You’ve wrecked me.  I left your soil just over 2.5 years ago, yet my heart remains broken for you.  My feet yearns for the day that they will walk upon your land once again.  My eyes cannot wait to look upon the beautiful faces of your people. My soul is restless, begging me to return to you and share with you, the hope in which you have renewed in me.  I’ll be honest- I never thought I would fall in love with you in the way that I have.  Truth be told, at the time I thought you were ‘just another country’ in South East Asia.  A country in which I had to spend time in before returning to the red soils of Africa.

Isn’t that how God works though? Revealing Himself to us in ways we sometimes least expect it?  Ironic isn’t it? That you, Cambodia, were the one country in which I spent 2 months in?

Cambodia, I miss walking among your streets; taking in the many sites and smells.  I miss buying fresh pineapple for 10 cents from local vendors and walking among the rice fields.  As the rain hits the ground outside my home here in Canada, I recall sitting beneath the shadows of palm trees, sipping fresh coconut milk while enjoying the company of the local people.  Oh the lengths I’d go for a roadside smoothies consisting of dragon fruit/pineapple and apples and to taste a deep friend banana for breakfast once again.  Playing hide n seek among a Buddhist temple (opps!) and even hearing off tune karaoke…praying that it would end, now becomes a moment in which I yearn for.  Waking up early, reviewing the English lesson for the morning and then finishing up the day with worship, songs and testimonies from local Khmer university students, renewed my soul in a powerful way.  Time spent with my Phnom Penh Cambodian contacts, turned family, at “Beautiful Feet” dorm, are precious precious moments that I will forever be grateful for.  Words cannot express how they changed the course of my life in 3 short weeks.  To Ango, Asui and Kaka…thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, with everything that I got, thank you so very much.  Your friendship, your mentorship, means the world to me.   

Is this all Ironic? Coincidence? Perhaps a ‘freak thing’ that the one country that I had to spend two months in, is the one country in which I yearn to return to the most?

Or is it a part of God’s continual plan to break my heart for what breaks His? 

Cambodia through you, God began to begin to stir a passion deep within me, not only for a foreign land and its people, but a future career as well. Yes Cambodia, it is because of those two months of teaching English to your people, that God revealed another calling within my life, to me. A calling that came full circle in just over a year, when God led me back to Zambia to teach English.  February 18, 2014 while I was in the middle of my second month teaching English to local Cambodian university students, I journal the line, “I want to use my TESOL to be able to go back to Zambia, and teach at Seeds of Hope.”  May 1, 2015 I found myself back at Seeds of Hope at the start of a 3 month term of teaching English.  So Cambodia, today is April 16, 2016 and I cannot help but wonder at what point I will look back upon this entry and realize that it has once again come ‘full circle’.

James 2:14-19 says, “What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food.  If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.  But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”  Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.  You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder."

Cambodia, you are no longer simply a place on the map to check off that I have been too…rather you have become a ‘home away from home’ and one day I will return.  More so, now that I have seen, I know that I am responsible.  I know that my faith also requires action.  I know that it will be a few years yet before I return, but know that God is preparing me during this season of my life to better able to serve HIM among your people and your land.

You have captured my heart, Cambodia, in a very unique way.  You’ve captured my heart in a way that I thought only Zambia would ever hold.  I don’t know when God will lead me back to you, but I am praying and believing that He will…all in His due time.  Until that day; know that I am praying for you.  That God will continue to move through you and your people; to bring darkness into light, bringing about rescue and restoring justice in places of injustice.  Until that day we meet again, I promise I will continue to do all that I can right here and right now, trusting God each and every step of the way.