He has done it again. God has broken me. He breaks me over and over. Yes it is scary-but it is also refreshing and encouraging. I think I know my answer to my question regarding next year (2013) adventure. From the people that I have told and the feedback that I have gotten-has been very positive and encouraging.
So the question I have to ask myself- "whats 'holding me back' from hitting 'submit' on my application papers?" They are all filled out and to press the button will only take seconds. Sure I can use the excuse that 'oh I have to check with my references to see if I can use them (which I DO need to do-but its still a cope out). Or I could say "Im waiting on God, on prayer" which is a great thing and is needed but what if God has already given me the answer and I am just afraid to accept it? What if God is knocking me over the head and saying "hello Nikki-i can not be more clear with you then I am now-You say you trust Me-you say "I'll stand-my soul Lord to You surrender" . " You say you Love Me-so Love me and let Me lead you" I AM the Good Shepard. I will lead my flock. This journey will not be easy-in fact-if you follow ME- I can 100% bet you that you WILL be persecuted, mocked and laughed at. Friends will leave you, family with turn their backs on you and you will face trials and temptations always-BUT TAKE HEART-for I have overcome the World."
Reach out your hand to ME and I swear- I wont let you go.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight." Prov 3:5-6
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
How He Loves
"If Grace is an ocean, we are all sinking"
Those are words that have been ringing true lately as I look around in my own life and those around me. This last week was crazy with different feelings and emotions.
This past monday was 20 years since my Grandma passed-emotional day for that reason alone---and yet another reminder not to take life for granted.
My aunt is slowly slowly gaining mobility back. Its small, baby steps but we will take what we get for sure!
Youth; Wednesday night was another powerful night. I had lunch with a friend of mine today and was just sharing (or trying to share) some of the emotions I felt this past Wednesday but I just couldnt. I had no words for it. I think she summed it up the best when she said, "Nik, there are times when words escape us. There are no words to describe God's amazing love for me and you". What I felt on wednesday, words cannot describe. As one youth put it "I wasnt expecting God to show up tonight...but He did...wow did He ever!" I remember, at one point, looking over at 'my girls' and just being so incredibly proud of them-for taking the stand that they have-each in their own way-but in the same faith.
God is awesome! I may not always-if ever-understand His ways-but He holds my hands, my heart. Always
Those are words that have been ringing true lately as I look around in my own life and those around me. This last week was crazy with different feelings and emotions.
This past monday was 20 years since my Grandma passed-emotional day for that reason alone---and yet another reminder not to take life for granted.
My aunt is slowly slowly gaining mobility back. Its small, baby steps but we will take what we get for sure!
Youth; Wednesday night was another powerful night. I had lunch with a friend of mine today and was just sharing (or trying to share) some of the emotions I felt this past Wednesday but I just couldnt. I had no words for it. I think she summed it up the best when she said, "Nik, there are times when words escape us. There are no words to describe God's amazing love for me and you". What I felt on wednesday, words cannot describe. As one youth put it "I wasnt expecting God to show up tonight...but He did...wow did He ever!" I remember, at one point, looking over at 'my girls' and just being so incredibly proud of them-for taking the stand that they have-each in their own way-but in the same faith.
God is awesome! I may not always-if ever-understand His ways-but He holds my hands, my heart. Always
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Passion of the Christ
I saw that movie for the first time this afternoon...and wow...that really really opens ones eyes. I know we read about the Crucifixion a lot (especially around Easter) but to see it happen "in real" (well as real as TV/movie can be) sure opens up the eyes! I didnt know what, or how to express what I was feeling. I know there is/was some controversy with the movie when it came out (which I think is pretty normal for a movie like that-after all-no one is around now who witnessed it first hand so the exact details are hard to know- I remember when it came out-people were talking about how Mel Gibson (the director) way overkilled the brutality of the beatings and all) However, even if that is true- we know from scripture that Christ was beaten, mocked, spit at and forced to carry His cross and nailed to it. THose facts we do have. Its incredible really. I am again, reminded of His all consuming Love and how, at any given moment-He could have come off that cross, He could have stopped those beatings and killed everyone instantly had he wanted to-but He didnt. He hung there for ME all those years ago to carry my sin as well. He made it possible for me to have a relationship with Him. Its overwhelming really if I stop to think about it. Crazy eh? Crazy, awesome, one of a kind Amazing Love.
Thank you GOD!
Thank you GOD!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
On My knees again...
Life has been busy lately-not that I am complaining- I am just stating a fact. I re-realized that I still need my "down time" just to 're charge' and process different things going on. This isnt a bad thing-it is something I have come to learn about myself.
These last few weeks have also been "one of those weeks" where God kind of "knocks you over the heads" and says "follow Me, give Your burdens and worries to me, I AM the Good Shepard". Let me explain.
I was reminded over this last while-just how fragile life is. How much I take it forgranted (perhaps that also explains my need to "be busy every night etc" and not let life be wasted). Two main factors have contributed to this recently.
1) A high school friend of mine lost her sister in an unexpected freak accident when a car rammed into her work place. She was 28 and had a 4 year old and engaged.
2) In a span of 2 hours-my aunt went from having FULL mobility and being totally healthy-to being completely paralyzed from neck down. It has been 16 days since it has happened. Yes the doctors have been able to rule out a stroke and MS (which they initally thought it was) and my aunt has made baby steps improvements since (her speech is back to how it was, gaining control of her right arm and is starting to get feeling back in her one leg, she was able to go outside and get some fresh air via a special wheel chair the other day (first time in 2 weeks) and her spirits are still good). However, these are just that-Baby steps in a long road to recovery. Right now, she is in a 'holding pattern' in the winnipeg hospital as the docs dont know what happened or what to do next (they have tried different treatments/tests but nothing has helped in that sense) and so my uncle and cousins are looking via the States for other options.
I have not actually seen my aunt since she has been admitted-but I have not stopped praying for her. She told my mom the other day that it is through prayer and support alone is how she (and family) are gettign through this. I was asked the other day by a co worker how she was doing and right then and there, its like reality kicked in and I could have totally broken down right there at work. It just 'hit' me. Simple things-like lifting a spoon, feeding ones self, typing on a key board, walking...are all things that my aunt cant do-daily things I do every day with out realizing that "just like that' they could be taking away from me. I am tearing up just now thinking about it and realizing how selfish I am.
So where IS GOD in all of this? I just finished reading the story in John where Christ RAISES Lazurus from the DEAD....just like that-so those around Him might believe. Yet here I sit, questioning God why this happened to my aunt, why she isnt healed from the thousands of prayers being sent up for her. Why this brokenness and hurt and suffering? God-where are you?
Then I remember-He is right next to me...right next to my aunt and is carrying her through. Yes the questions still remain. However, there is also a peace in my heart-know just how GREAT our God is. HOw much HE loves her and me (and you). HE is the great Physician and Healer-not the doctors or pain meds. So I get back down on my knees-the best and strongest place to be when I feel weak-for I know it is there-that God will meet me-He will hear my prayers and lift me up. He will carry me
These last few weeks have also been "one of those weeks" where God kind of "knocks you over the heads" and says "follow Me, give Your burdens and worries to me, I AM the Good Shepard". Let me explain.
I was reminded over this last while-just how fragile life is. How much I take it forgranted (perhaps that also explains my need to "be busy every night etc" and not let life be wasted). Two main factors have contributed to this recently.
1) A high school friend of mine lost her sister in an unexpected freak accident when a car rammed into her work place. She was 28 and had a 4 year old and engaged.
2) In a span of 2 hours-my aunt went from having FULL mobility and being totally healthy-to being completely paralyzed from neck down. It has been 16 days since it has happened. Yes the doctors have been able to rule out a stroke and MS (which they initally thought it was) and my aunt has made baby steps improvements since (her speech is back to how it was, gaining control of her right arm and is starting to get feeling back in her one leg, she was able to go outside and get some fresh air via a special wheel chair the other day (first time in 2 weeks) and her spirits are still good). However, these are just that-Baby steps in a long road to recovery. Right now, she is in a 'holding pattern' in the winnipeg hospital as the docs dont know what happened or what to do next (they have tried different treatments/tests but nothing has helped in that sense) and so my uncle and cousins are looking via the States for other options.
I have not actually seen my aunt since she has been admitted-but I have not stopped praying for her. She told my mom the other day that it is through prayer and support alone is how she (and family) are gettign through this. I was asked the other day by a co worker how she was doing and right then and there, its like reality kicked in and I could have totally broken down right there at work. It just 'hit' me. Simple things-like lifting a spoon, feeding ones self, typing on a key board, walking...are all things that my aunt cant do-daily things I do every day with out realizing that "just like that' they could be taking away from me. I am tearing up just now thinking about it and realizing how selfish I am.
So where IS GOD in all of this? I just finished reading the story in John where Christ RAISES Lazurus from the DEAD....just like that-so those around Him might believe. Yet here I sit, questioning God why this happened to my aunt, why she isnt healed from the thousands of prayers being sent up for her. Why this brokenness and hurt and suffering? God-where are you?
Then I remember-He is right next to me...right next to my aunt and is carrying her through. Yes the questions still remain. However, there is also a peace in my heart-know just how GREAT our God is. HOw much HE loves her and me (and you). HE is the great Physician and Healer-not the doctors or pain meds. So I get back down on my knees-the best and strongest place to be when I feel weak-for I know it is there-that God will meet me-He will hear my prayers and lift me up. He will carry me
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Forever Reign
We sang this song last week in youth- and I cant get it out of my head...I LOVE the lyrics and the amazing TRUTH they hold. I LOVE the image of running into my Father's (God) arms...I love it...
Check out the link!
Check out the link!
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Crossroads
I am at a cross road in life. It is once again time to "step out of the boat' and on to the water. A step of faith. I know I have gotten too comfortable here. Set routine, set working hours. Now these can be/are good things; however I DONT want to become docile and just accept life "as is". I believe I (we) are called to more of that.
Now just to clarify- I KNOW God is using me right here at home. I am in fact, 100% sure of that (and I got stories to prove it if you want to know). Honestly, I 100% LOVE the ministry I am apart of here locally. Just flick through previous posts and you will see how many relate back to youth and youth events and all. I know I have said it before, but I will say it again- they are the reason I am still around. They have blessed and encouraged and challenged me in so many ways during this last year and a half of getting to know them. I know that they too, have changed and shaped me. They are the main reason why it will be hard to leave town...even to do something I want to do/know I should do. Part of my thinking, is that I have no right to challenge/push them to get out of their 'bubbles' or 'comfort zone', when I, myself, can't do it.
This line of thinking (part of it) brings me to this cross road in life where I am now. Although I'd LOVE to stick around, I can not let myself become docile to the world and the needs around me. I truly and fully believe that God's plans for my life, involve me being outside of Canada. Time and time again in scripture- Christ talks about ministering to the poor, helping the sick and looking after the widows and orphans.
Having a love for missions and travel-this is something I constantly wrestle with. Do I "go" or do I "stay"? Let's be honest. God DOESNT need me (either here at home, or abroad) to do His work. HE CHOOSES me and wants me to help in bringing HIS glory to this dark and broken world. After all, we just finished Good Friday and am now on Easter sunday. HE took it ALL on the cross and then rose again on Easter so that THROUGH HIM, we may have life. Other than our sins, we had no part in that process.
However, I cannot ignore the call I am once again, starting to feel on my heart. The call to "GO". So, already I have taken the next step. I am looking at a few different options, not for right away, but within the next year. I will be returning to Zambia, Africa with my church in 212 days (yes I am already counting down! so excited!) but that will only be three weeks (but I will take what I get!) but beyond that- I am also praying and considering another option for 2013. Actually it has been somethign I have looked at in the past but at that point, I didnt have a peace about it. Now, I can feel a peace about it. Although I have 7 months before application deadline-I hope to get my application in by mid summer. There will be a few factors, including time off work for a week mid october but God's hands hold it. They are hands that I KNOW are FULLY capable of holding it. All I gotta do is trust Him with it.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray for the ministry I am in now, and the ministry I hope to be apart of in the new year. Pray for peace and God's guidence.
Shalom
Now just to clarify- I KNOW God is using me right here at home. I am in fact, 100% sure of that (and I got stories to prove it if you want to know). Honestly, I 100% LOVE the ministry I am apart of here locally. Just flick through previous posts and you will see how many relate back to youth and youth events and all. I know I have said it before, but I will say it again- they are the reason I am still around. They have blessed and encouraged and challenged me in so many ways during this last year and a half of getting to know them. I know that they too, have changed and shaped me. They are the main reason why it will be hard to leave town...even to do something I want to do/know I should do. Part of my thinking, is that I have no right to challenge/push them to get out of their 'bubbles' or 'comfort zone', when I, myself, can't do it.
This line of thinking (part of it) brings me to this cross road in life where I am now. Although I'd LOVE to stick around, I can not let myself become docile to the world and the needs around me. I truly and fully believe that God's plans for my life, involve me being outside of Canada. Time and time again in scripture- Christ talks about ministering to the poor, helping the sick and looking after the widows and orphans.
Having a love for missions and travel-this is something I constantly wrestle with. Do I "go" or do I "stay"? Let's be honest. God DOESNT need me (either here at home, or abroad) to do His work. HE CHOOSES me and wants me to help in bringing HIS glory to this dark and broken world. After all, we just finished Good Friday and am now on Easter sunday. HE took it ALL on the cross and then rose again on Easter so that THROUGH HIM, we may have life. Other than our sins, we had no part in that process.
However, I cannot ignore the call I am once again, starting to feel on my heart. The call to "GO". So, already I have taken the next step. I am looking at a few different options, not for right away, but within the next year. I will be returning to Zambia, Africa with my church in 212 days (yes I am already counting down! so excited!) but that will only be three weeks (but I will take what I get!) but beyond that- I am also praying and considering another option for 2013. Actually it has been somethign I have looked at in the past but at that point, I didnt have a peace about it. Now, I can feel a peace about it. Although I have 7 months before application deadline-I hope to get my application in by mid summer. There will be a few factors, including time off work for a week mid october but God's hands hold it. They are hands that I KNOW are FULLY capable of holding it. All I gotta do is trust Him with it.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray for the ministry I am in now, and the ministry I hope to be apart of in the new year. Pray for peace and God's guidence.
Shalom
Thursday, April 05, 2012
He is RISEN!
Alright, so technically has not happened yet (at least this here-what we call Easter...) but all day at work...at any given time I could have just shouted for JOY. I LOVE basking in God's Love and glory! It is incredible and seriously, if you have not tried it..TRY IT you have NO idea what you are missing on! Seriously even as I write this...I have "filled with your Glory" on by Starfield and just how fitting are those lyrics. It brings tears to my eyes.
Like I said earlier, Easter is right around the corner (with Good Friday being tomorrow) and for some reason-Easter is hitting me different this year. A good different. I think I am somewhat finally slowly starting to understand God's love for me. I mean, I know He loves me. I always have. Yet now, it seems real, it seems personal. Almost as tho I can feel Him next to me daily, always right beside me. THrough the good and the bad.
I have always heard it said to "read read read your Bibles" Its a way to get to know God, to draw close to Him and have Him draw to you. After all, I mean scripture is God breathed. I believe that. I started alternating between Old and New testament at the start of the Year and wow wow wow. It is amazing. GOD is amazing.
Prayer. Pray Pray Pray. I feel as though that always has been a strong point in my personal walk with God. People sometimes do not understand praying to "someone who isnt there" but honestly that is one thing I dont think I ever have struggled with. It has been one of those things that I have 'just accepted' and believed. It (prayer) is what has pulled me through my life, and especially-my various travels. I remember calling home one time while I was in the ukraine and just telling mom, sharing stories and my excitement for where I was and what I was doing. I remember her mentioning to me that she was praying and that right there, hit me. It was (is) because of the prayers of those around me-that I have been able to do what I have done.
Enter last night youth...WOW! 2 hours of pure praise and worship, of testimonies and sharing stories (both humerous and light), while the youth took turns walking through "journey to the cross". This is sometihng my church puts on every few years and, as leaders, we walked through it the night before. Now I am honestly always a little 'leary' of things like that cause honestly-God never has "BAM" hit me (so to speak) while I have gone through things like that (both at church and at college) and honestly-He didnt when I walked through it this time either. BUT I realized while flicking through the slides for songs last night at youth-how God did "BAM' hit me through it. (bad grammar I know but I hope that that made sense!) While singing, while sharing and listening to those share-I was overwhelmed with His great love. I cannot explain it. I just can't but wow was it powerful.
HE died for ME. ME. He took my sins to the cross. Bore my weight and pain on HIS shoulders. HE didnt have to. He could have commanded angels to attend to Him and free Him. With a snap of His fingers, He could have been off that cross. He could have skipped it all and stayed in Heaven. But HE DIDNT. HE CHOSE TO COME DOWN, to live as a human and die as a human all for me. All for you. All for each one of us.
I am so unworthy of it. But becuase of what HE did on the Cross-I AM worthy of His love. I am HIS child. HIS Daughter. I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE LORD MOST HIGH and NO one can/will ever take that from me.
happy easter! God Bless
GO Bless!
Like I said earlier, Easter is right around the corner (with Good Friday being tomorrow) and for some reason-Easter is hitting me different this year. A good different. I think I am somewhat finally slowly starting to understand God's love for me. I mean, I know He loves me. I always have. Yet now, it seems real, it seems personal. Almost as tho I can feel Him next to me daily, always right beside me. THrough the good and the bad.
I have always heard it said to "read read read your Bibles" Its a way to get to know God, to draw close to Him and have Him draw to you. After all, I mean scripture is God breathed. I believe that. I started alternating between Old and New testament at the start of the Year and wow wow wow. It is amazing. GOD is amazing.
Prayer. Pray Pray Pray. I feel as though that always has been a strong point in my personal walk with God. People sometimes do not understand praying to "someone who isnt there" but honestly that is one thing I dont think I ever have struggled with. It has been one of those things that I have 'just accepted' and believed. It (prayer) is what has pulled me through my life, and especially-my various travels. I remember calling home one time while I was in the ukraine and just telling mom, sharing stories and my excitement for where I was and what I was doing. I remember her mentioning to me that she was praying and that right there, hit me. It was (is) because of the prayers of those around me-that I have been able to do what I have done.
Enter last night youth...WOW! 2 hours of pure praise and worship, of testimonies and sharing stories (both humerous and light), while the youth took turns walking through "journey to the cross". This is sometihng my church puts on every few years and, as leaders, we walked through it the night before. Now I am honestly always a little 'leary' of things like that cause honestly-God never has "BAM" hit me (so to speak) while I have gone through things like that (both at church and at college) and honestly-He didnt when I walked through it this time either. BUT I realized while flicking through the slides for songs last night at youth-how God did "BAM' hit me through it. (bad grammar I know but I hope that that made sense!) While singing, while sharing and listening to those share-I was overwhelmed with His great love. I cannot explain it. I just can't but wow was it powerful.
HE died for ME. ME. He took my sins to the cross. Bore my weight and pain on HIS shoulders. HE didnt have to. He could have commanded angels to attend to Him and free Him. With a snap of His fingers, He could have been off that cross. He could have skipped it all and stayed in Heaven. But HE DIDNT. HE CHOSE TO COME DOWN, to live as a human and die as a human all for me. All for you. All for each one of us.
I am so unworthy of it. But becuase of what HE did on the Cross-I AM worthy of His love. I am HIS child. HIS Daughter. I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE LORD MOST HIGH and NO one can/will ever take that from me.
happy easter! God Bless
GO Bless!
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