On my mind...

So there has been a lot on my mind lately...that is pretty much as per usual.  Not sure how long this post will be, but one thing I have come to realize these last few years about myself...well months as well, is that I tend to "bottle up' and feelings, and well not ignore them but just push them aside and tell myself to toughen up and deal with it.  To say to myself, "it is my problem, my issue and I will deal with it" yet that thinking right there, is what I often catution people about...because I KNOW the importance of community...or at least one or two other people in your life who you completey trust..whether that is a friend or two, spouse, parent, grandparent etc...we were not made to be alone, we were made for relationships.  I know all of this, yet I still close up.  Why?  I am not sure.  I think part of it might have to do with the fact that there are always different "bigger issues" out there or tihngs that need to be dealt with, then what I am going through.  I've also learned that I am very much a people person and, like I say, will push aside my thoughts and feelings to help out a friend when needed.  An example of this, sort of, was last day of school, moving out of dorm.  Some of the hardest people to say bye to were 3 good friends of mine, girls who started SBC with me and graduated with me.  We lived in dorm all three years and became pretty tight.  Anyways, so saying goodbye to the first one, when she left...i was procrastinating it as long as I could...we both were and we knew it.  So "goodbyes" came and went and I was NOT expecting to break down at all that day, as I knew other people would and so wanted to be strong for them..however, with she left, I lost it....tears came and I could not hold back.  it was one of those moments where I wanted to be by myself right then and there and have no one else around so I headed up back into dorm...another friend, ended up followng me, asking me if I was alright...I was in no mood to deal with her at the time...however she didnt give me a choice and just pulled me into a hug.  I told her that I TOLD myself I would not do this here (cry), that I would be strong and deal iwth it later.  She told me very similar words that i have told pepople before as well..."Its ok to cry, yuo dont have to be 'super women' all the time"  I realized after how grateful I was she followed me up and just gave me a hug.

But its often like that, holding my composure on the outside, when there is a tornado/hurricane going onin the inside...so if you ask me how I am doing...chances are I will say "fine" or "good",but beneathe the skin, the answer would be oh so very different

Living Christ-Like

A question I am getting lots of lately and one that has gotten my thinking, is this, "Now that you (as in me) are done school, what are your plans come fall and beyond?"  Now, first off, here are a few things I really am starting NOT to like about this question...it reminds me that school is done and that I am NOT going back come fall...which is a good thing but at the same time, makes me miss it all over again..again gonna miss the people lots, second, in sense, it adds pressue that makes me feel like I NEED to know what I am doing come fall....

Second...that is usually followed by "what are you doing now?" (acutally this question is usually first...but whatever) and my response is "Well working"  For those from the area...they ask..."Supreme?"  my response..."yeps"  Their response varies after that. 

Do you ever feel like a ditz and arent doing anything 'useful' if it isnt '"ministry' focused!?  Right now also, Ukraine, especially the city of Sumy Ukraine, is on my mind lots...as I was there a year a go helping with day camps and camp there.  When I was there, i felt Good, like I was doing something worth living...fulfilling Matthew 28...the great commission...but here at home...the feeling is FAR from that....

Last night, was at a wedding reception of friends of mine from college, it was really good to reconnect with the newlyweds and also friends from college from my first and second year...people who I really looked (and still do) up to...just amazing Godly men and women of Christ.  However i was talking with this one guy who is just on fire for God.  His wife is a good friend of mine and so have gotten to know him both through college and her...and so he asked what I was doing now and come fall...after previously having asked a another friend of mine from college as well.  A friend who is working part timeat a ministry in her home town, and then going to school part time come fall and how God worked that all together, with raising her support and what not, is amazing.  Yet here I sit/sat and my response was, "just working"....

It depends on Attitude right?  Although I know I am not doing anything right now that church deems "ministry" ( I mean really, what truely defines minstry?") but you know what? I am okwith that....I am trying this new thing that Christ constantly talks about through the gospels and that the Apostles later pick up on as well...about living each and every day for Christ...I want people, when they look at me,  to SEE Christ in me.  With work...I wanna make that my 'mission' field...even though there are Christians there as well.  Often I have found its fellow Christians thatneedthe encouragement as well.  How this will look at work? not sure...just by being me...by being friendly with co-workers, by working hard and serving my boss and company that way and just smiliing. yes some days are way easier than others...some days its like, "really God? WHY am I here! I dont want to be here, I want to be out there" but I know God is teaching me through it. 
Come fall, I am stoked to get back involved with local youth group..to reconnect there and just to give back to the girls...make that my minstry as well...toreally invest and encourage the girls and to walk along side them.  That said, now with summer...I wanna connect with the girls here already..the ones who I have gotten to know a bit throughout the years of Junior youth, Sunday School and just by living in the same town with them...I am excited to go out for coffee with them already and just to catch up

a friend recently asked me, "how has Altona improved since I have been back after school!?"  it is a question that i do not know the answer to yet but it is a question that remains as a challenge inthe back of my mind....
just a few thoughts from Troubled Heart
God Bless
GO bless

Question...

Just a question...somethign to ponder..send your thoughts my way!
"How can life even be worth anything if your not really living for something?!"

Where is the Love!?

So am listening an Old Song by the Black Eye Peas...and its a gooder...and the thought crossed my mind as I listened to the lyrics..are they talkiung about the North American culture in general? or are they targeting more of a specific group of people...aka: Christians?!?  I guess its on my mind cause of the book I am also currently reading...The New Friars...(think its spelt like that)...it is a really good read...recommended to me by a good friend of mine.  It talks about serving among the worlds poor and 'meeting Jesus' there...sort of a random connection..but in my mind, it makes sense...
read the words to the song and let me know what oyu think!?  who is the group talking to?!

"Where Is The Love?"
What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'

In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in

Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividend
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love

Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all
People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love, the love, the love?
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria

Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

Now ask yourself
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?

Where is the love?
Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'

Where is the love?
Sing wit me y'all:
One world, one world (We only got)
One world, one world (That's all we got)
One world, one world
And something's wrong wit it (Yeah)
Something's wrong wit it (Yeah)
Something's wrong wit the wo-wo-world, yeah
We only got
(One world, one world)
That's all we got
(One world, one world)