On my mind...

So there has been a lot on my mind lately...that is pretty much as per usual.  Not sure how long this post will be, but one thing I have come to realize these last few years about myself...well months as well, is that I tend to "bottle up' and feelings, and well not ignore them but just push them aside and tell myself to toughen up and deal with it.  To say to myself, "it is my problem, my issue and I will deal with it" yet that thinking right there, is what I often catution people about...because I KNOW the importance of community...or at least one or two other people in your life who you completey trust..whether that is a friend or two, spouse, parent, grandparent etc...we were not made to be alone, we were made for relationships.  I know all of this, yet I still close up.  Why?  I am not sure.  I think part of it might have to do with the fact that there are always different "bigger issues" out there or tihngs that need to be dealt with, then what I am going through.  I've also learned that I am very much a people person and, like I say, will push aside my thoughts and feelings to help out a friend when needed.  An example of this, sort of, was last day of school, moving out of dorm.  Some of the hardest people to say bye to were 3 good friends of mine, girls who started SBC with me and graduated with me.  We lived in dorm all three years and became pretty tight.  Anyways, so saying goodbye to the first one, when she left...i was procrastinating it as long as I could...we both were and we knew it.  So "goodbyes" came and went and I was NOT expecting to break down at all that day, as I knew other people would and so wanted to be strong for them..however, with she left, I lost it....tears came and I could not hold back.  it was one of those moments where I wanted to be by myself right then and there and have no one else around so I headed up back into dorm...another friend, ended up followng me, asking me if I was alright...I was in no mood to deal with her at the time...however she didnt give me a choice and just pulled me into a hug.  I told her that I TOLD myself I would not do this here (cry), that I would be strong and deal iwth it later.  She told me very similar words that i have told pepople before as well..."Its ok to cry, yuo dont have to be 'super women' all the time"  I realized after how grateful I was she followed me up and just gave me a hug.

But its often like that, holding my composure on the outside, when there is a tornado/hurricane going onin the inside...so if you ask me how I am doing...chances are I will say "fine" or "good",but beneathe the skin, the answer would be oh so very different