Freedom

“You have searched me Lord and you KNOW me” (Psalm 139:1)

Those are the words on the familiar page that my fingers flipped to.

I will be really honest…reading the bible faithfully every day, has always been a struggle for me and it continues to be, to this very moment.

I KNOW that;

a)       In order to know God more…reading His word is crucial

b)      In order to continually grow IN Him…reading His word is crucial

c)      In order to know His will for me….reading His word is crucial

d)     In order to be the best youth leader God is calling me to be….reading His word is crucial

e)      I simply need to read HIS Truths in order to truly rest in Him

f)       I simply need to be in His presence

I know all of this…

                                                                       So why has my bible been collecting dust?

                                                   Why is today, the first day in a long time, I’ve picked it up?

                              Why has it become a ‘last resort’ when it should be my FIRST resort?

    Why do I struggle reading HIS Word that I DO truly believe is ALIVE and ACTIVE?

This past weekend, was our annual Sr. Youth Retreat.  So often, my prayer going into a weekend like this, is that God will blow the minds of the youth (which He does), and that they will KNOW HIM more (which they do).

Yet for me, this past weekend convicted me more, in the knowledge and understanding of just WHO God is to me.  I didn’t pray a pray for that, but God knew I needed.  I was able to truly worship freely in a LONG TIME in a way that I have not been able to since a Passion concert I went to with my squad while in the Philippines in March. As soon as we would enter the chapel area for sessions this past weekend, my body began to shake in excitement and joy of the worship to come.  I couldn’t stand still.  The freedom within that-amazing. Purely amazing.

“You have searched me Lord and you KNOW me”

Yes. Yes. YES YES LORD!

God IS ALIVE.  His word IS ACTIVE.
The battle your facing, may seem like it’s been lost some days, but in reality-the victory has long since been won. JESUS.  JESUS won it for us so we didn’t have too. 

                                                                       
THAT IS LOVE.

 That is GOD’s LOVE for you and I 

Finding "Me"

This weekend, will mark 3 months upon returning from the World Race. Within those 3 months, I have experienced every emotion possible (and then some).  Re-entry is seriously NO JOKE.  Name an emotion and, chances are, I have experienced it. Seriously…culture shock…who knew?

The ‘Honey moon’ stage of being home, quickly ended and my heart yearned for the days of ministry on the race.  It missed the strangers that quickly became friends and, even quicker, became my family for 11 months. They “got” me.  They knew where I was coming from and they knew of the struggles I faced while on the race.  They were also well aware, of the similar struggles we had since being home.

Truth be told, I was angry. I was hurt, lost and I felt completely alone.  I KNEW KNOW who I am on “the missions field”, but I struggled with finding out just, ‘who I am now’ at home.  Back in life where a “9-5 job’ is ‘normal.  Where we drive on the right side of the road and where people actually use laundry machines to wash their clothes (instead of by hand that I was so used to doing).  As complex as it was at times, life on the race was ‘simple’.  I wanted people to ‘get’ me like they once did. Yet I wrestled inwardly because, how were they, supposed to ‘get’ me when I MYSELF was still trying to figure stuff out? It wasn’t fair to them and it certainly wasn’t fair to me.

As you may know, my original plans upon returning home, literally got thrown out the window with one email. All of a sudden, I was jobless, school-less and had 3 full months to ‘kill’ and to figure out the next step in life.  I felt as though I had just finished high school and was once again in that, “now what?” stage of life.

God works in interesting ways though. Even here at home.  As I was wrestling in my own self doubt and lack of confidence, I could feel God telling me to, “REST.” “REST Nikki. REST IN ME.  MY plans for YOU are great. You trusted me while overseas…but that trust doesn’t stop now that you are ‘home’.  In fact, your ‘battle’ is only starting, but you KNOW I AM WITH YOU. So rest.”

So I did. 

I spent time with friends, family, youth and simply learning to be ‘me’ again.  I allowed myself to sleep in and to stay in my PJ’s all day without feeling bad.  I watched more NCIS than I care to admit and I realized that I really would be ‘okay’ as God did not forget about me.

This past month, has been one of the BEST months since being home.  God has totally brought things ‘full circle’ and continues to break my heart for what breaks His right here.  I was able to be a part of my youth mission’s team to a small Metis community for a week of VBS and ministry.  I was going ‘home’.  Back to the start of where God began to truly stir my heart for missions.  The week FLEW by and I so wasn’t ready to leave.  I LOVED seeing my youth, ‘in action’ serving the kids, playing with them, teaching stories, and singing songs.  Watching them encourage, build up and support one another…is a moment I know I won’t be forgetting. God is raising up leaders among our youth people and I’ve never been prouder to be a part of something so great happening here at home.  Hearing their God stories. Taking risks and telling things as they were, blessed, encouraged and strengthened us as a whole.  The thought of, “if ONLY church was truly like this…” crossed my mind a number of times.  God didn’t speak that week in a roaring fire, or mighty Wind.  He spoke through HIS people. His chosen, holy, yet broken, young people.   

And boy, did I listen. 

Yet God still wasn’t done.  He knew I craved World Race community and brought me back to the place where THAT all began…LONG before I even knew I would someday go on my own race with a crazy group of radicals.  He brought me back to TMBC, a camp I worked at one summer 6 years ago for two weeks.  He brought me back to the directors who spoke an incredible Truth into my life and, in doing so, stirred my heart once again for youth and youth ministry.  The stories I heard while at camp, simply said…wrecked me. My co cabin leader and I, had the BEST group of 14-19 year olds possible for a cabin at camp.  Our evening “5 minute” devotionals quickly became an hour long discussion on everything and anything.  Mornings rolled around all to quickly, but God always provided strength that was needed for the day.

At the end of the week at our Friday night campfire, God humbled me time and time

again through the stories and testimonies of what happened that week.  Lives were literally changed (and saved) in a span of a week.  One of the girls stood up and flat out admitted to wanting to come to camp to commit suicide, yet God grabbed hold of her heart and soon, she accepted Jesus into her own life as her personal Saviour.  Another girl stood up and talked about how she didn’t know where she would be sleeping once camp was done, but she trusted Jesus to provide a bed for her.  

Faith. Incredible. Deep rooted. Faith.

Faith that I thought was ‘lost’ upon landing back in North America.  Faith that I thought was only possible overseas and in cultures that are not my own.  Yet here it was.  Shining through the lives of campers during a high school week of camp.

As I step into becoming a student and going back to university in a few short days…I don’t know what lies ahead.  Truth is, I am scared. If I could, I’d rather hop on a plane to take me away to a place unknown. Yet I know, God has called me here.  Right now, He has called me to a season of schooling.  The next chapter within a life that is simply trying to follow after her Creator.  

Leadership and Lessons learned...

So throughout this past year at SBC-there has been a re occuring theme that has kept been brought up to my attention and all. It is something that is fairly new to me at this point and I am still exploring it myself.
What is it?

It is this whole idea of leadership and to define what IS leadership. Growing up, I never thought myself as a leader. There could be a couple reasons for this, but whether they are legit reasons or excuses, not sure. Some of them would include just the group of friends I was in. Great group, but I was not the leader in that group. Although at the same time, not a follower as welll (if that at all makes sense). Perhaps it has to do with having grown up with brothers and having them just naturally being "better" at everything they do. Who knows.

But like I said, this past year at SBC, I have been challenged, and even forced into leadership. One of the re occuring questions I have been getting is "why do I shy away from it?" For example-Caregroup leading, or being the yearbook editor etc, both formal forms of leadership. Honestly, I do not know why I shy away from those-cause its not like I am not capable of doing it (and I am not just saying that to sound cocky...because more then one person has asked me why I am not doing it because they said I am beyound capable of doing it) (and if you followed that train of thought-well done!)

I have found that I love hanging out with people and I never would have thought I would have said that being an introvert-and I know I am still an introvert at heart, but am realizing a lot more extrovert qualities in me. So for example, I get challenged as to why I am not being a CGL since being what it, deals with a lot of people andhanging out-yet I tend to avoid it.... same goes with yearbook-that involves taking pictures (which I love) and working on computer/pictures (which is also fun) so again, doesnt make sense.

It also has to do a bit with stretching myself....I need to be stretched, but am not sure if this way of leadership is a way, at this point, to stretch me...for Example, Ukraine wil be stretching and that is partily the reason for going as well...again just some thoughts...

One thing that I think might contribute with me shying away from it (leadership) is this fear of failing that I have...I am not sure where or how this plays into it but here is a part of the email I wrote...But yah, I think what it comes down to is that I am scared to fail/disappoint. Let me clarify. I think I have put this to big of expecation on myself (or I tend to, also be to over critical of myself) and so when I am "Performing" I have to be able to perform and know I can complete the task well enough. maybe it also has to do with not wanting to disappoint other people.

Its this personal expectation that I have on myself that I think is holding me back. I knwo last summer at camp, I sat down with the camp director and we went over a evaluation thing for field ed at school and part of it was a self eval and a directors eval...he said he had looked at mine and overall-he said he thought I would being to hard on myself, that I had marked myself, the work I had done, to low.

I hope some of this makes sense-for those that know me-perhaps you can shed some light into this as well!

(the pics are a few from camp taken earlier this week!)
Till next time!

Camp

So here I am, 3 days into my Camp (Spring Staff) expereince at Winkler Bible Camp. THese last two days have consisted of lots of Orientation, but its been good. Today we did a lot of yard clean up and all but it was good. I am realizing I love being outside all day instead of inside all day, although I think it is more tiring but still good!
Tomorrow I will be helping out with bikes and horses here at the camp which will also be new and exciting but yet still good!


Ukraine is 1 month and 2 days away! crazy! but sweet. Mixed feelings about it but I lknow God will stretch me and I know it will be good for me!

Just a quick up date from camp!
God Bless

All Praises to the Great I AM

Well I did it
Yet another two weeks have come and gone and as I type this, I am at home and my time at Turtle Mountain Bible camp (TMBC) has passed, but the memories will last. How do I sum up my last two weeks in a blog that wont take lots of hours to read? Yah I know I didnt update it much while I was gone...no time and didnt want to waste teh time I had with kids on here.
But yah all in all it was an amazing experience-one which I hope to experience again, whether its at the same camp or else where. Now I am in the process of trying to process it all...seeing how its sort of difficult to do that there since you are always moving and going and all. Lets just say if you want to hear more after you've read this post, give me a call or email or something, cuase I will just highlight a few things on here
What I Learnt/reminded of
1. God loves me (and you) so much that He sent Jesus to die for our sins so that we may have a relationship with him, regardless of past sins/mistakes
2. God is totally working, even through campers/people when we dont think He is
3. God is a God who protects us- this point he proved again and again with keeeping the camp safe from a tornado 2 miles down to the south of us, and another one 10-15minutes away. Praise God we were totally fine, no damage or anything
4. God is always there
5. Prayer works-it really does and it totally pays to start the day off in prayer
6. Relationships are so very important (especially a relationship with God) but with people as well. We all crave relationships
7. There is beauty all around-take time to soak it in-its a gift from God
8.Even though we may not have the answers to life questions, God does and he will work through us

Yah just a few things I've learnt (along with a small taste of pics). Those weeks, i felt nervous, scared, incapable of the task, excited, thrilled, stoked, rejuvenated, lost, basically everything a person could feel.
In closing (this post anyways) I have been asked, would I go back...my answer is simple...YES