Finding "Me"

This weekend, will mark 3 months upon returning from the World Race. Within those 3 months, I have experienced every emotion possible (and then some).  Re-entry is seriously NO JOKE.  Name an emotion and, chances are, I have experienced it. Seriously…culture shock…who knew?

The ‘Honey moon’ stage of being home, quickly ended and my heart yearned for the days of ministry on the race.  It missed the strangers that quickly became friends and, even quicker, became my family for 11 months. They “got” me.  They knew where I was coming from and they knew of the struggles I faced while on the race.  They were also well aware, of the similar struggles we had since being home.

Truth be told, I was angry. I was hurt, lost and I felt completely alone.  I KNEW KNOW who I am on “the missions field”, but I struggled with finding out just, ‘who I am now’ at home.  Back in life where a “9-5 job’ is ‘normal.  Where we drive on the right side of the road and where people actually use laundry machines to wash their clothes (instead of by hand that I was so used to doing).  As complex as it was at times, life on the race was ‘simple’.  I wanted people to ‘get’ me like they once did. Yet I wrestled inwardly because, how were they, supposed to ‘get’ me when I MYSELF was still trying to figure stuff out? It wasn’t fair to them and it certainly wasn’t fair to me.

As you may know, my original plans upon returning home, literally got thrown out the window with one email. All of a sudden, I was jobless, school-less and had 3 full months to ‘kill’ and to figure out the next step in life.  I felt as though I had just finished high school and was once again in that, “now what?” stage of life.

God works in interesting ways though. Even here at home.  As I was wrestling in my own self doubt and lack of confidence, I could feel God telling me to, “REST.” “REST Nikki. REST IN ME.  MY plans for YOU are great. You trusted me while overseas…but that trust doesn’t stop now that you are ‘home’.  In fact, your ‘battle’ is only starting, but you KNOW I AM WITH YOU. So rest.”

So I did. 

I spent time with friends, family, youth and simply learning to be ‘me’ again.  I allowed myself to sleep in and to stay in my PJ’s all day without feeling bad.  I watched more NCIS than I care to admit and I realized that I really would be ‘okay’ as God did not forget about me.

This past month, has been one of the BEST months since being home.  God has totally brought things ‘full circle’ and continues to break my heart for what breaks His right here.  I was able to be a part of my youth mission’s team to a small Metis community for a week of VBS and ministry.  I was going ‘home’.  Back to the start of where God began to truly stir my heart for missions.  The week FLEW by and I so wasn’t ready to leave.  I LOVED seeing my youth, ‘in action’ serving the kids, playing with them, teaching stories, and singing songs.  Watching them encourage, build up and support one another…is a moment I know I won’t be forgetting. God is raising up leaders among our youth people and I’ve never been prouder to be a part of something so great happening here at home.  Hearing their God stories. Taking risks and telling things as they were, blessed, encouraged and strengthened us as a whole.  The thought of, “if ONLY church was truly like this…” crossed my mind a number of times.  God didn’t speak that week in a roaring fire, or mighty Wind.  He spoke through HIS people. His chosen, holy, yet broken, young people.   

And boy, did I listen. 

Yet God still wasn’t done.  He knew I craved World Race community and brought me back to the place where THAT all began…LONG before I even knew I would someday go on my own race with a crazy group of radicals.  He brought me back to TMBC, a camp I worked at one summer 6 years ago for two weeks.  He brought me back to the directors who spoke an incredible Truth into my life and, in doing so, stirred my heart once again for youth and youth ministry.  The stories I heard while at camp, simply said…wrecked me. My co cabin leader and I, had the BEST group of 14-19 year olds possible for a cabin at camp.  Our evening “5 minute” devotionals quickly became an hour long discussion on everything and anything.  Mornings rolled around all to quickly, but God always provided strength that was needed for the day.

At the end of the week at our Friday night campfire, God humbled me time and time

again through the stories and testimonies of what happened that week.  Lives were literally changed (and saved) in a span of a week.  One of the girls stood up and flat out admitted to wanting to come to camp to commit suicide, yet God grabbed hold of her heart and soon, she accepted Jesus into her own life as her personal Saviour.  Another girl stood up and talked about how she didn’t know where she would be sleeping once camp was done, but she trusted Jesus to provide a bed for her.  

Faith. Incredible. Deep rooted. Faith.

Faith that I thought was ‘lost’ upon landing back in North America.  Faith that I thought was only possible overseas and in cultures that are not my own.  Yet here it was.  Shining through the lives of campers during a high school week of camp.

As I step into becoming a student and going back to university in a few short days…I don’t know what lies ahead.  Truth is, I am scared. If I could, I’d rather hop on a plane to take me away to a place unknown. Yet I know, God has called me here.  Right now, He has called me to a season of schooling.  The next chapter within a life that is simply trying to follow after her Creator.