Hurt

Ever have one of those conversations...where someone says something and they do not really notice, or are aware, of how deep the words they just spoke, hurt you?

This happened to me today and the impact that the words had on me, I only realized after the fact.  As soon as I heard them, they did "sting" but I quickly turned that over to God through prayer...yet as I think about the words now...they just tick me off.  So this post, maybe a bit of a 'venting' session...just forewarned.

For whatever reason, truth be told, I am having a hard time 'letting people in' about the race...or rather, informing them of it.  Today sort of reminded me 'why' that that is.  This reason, does NOT justify it, nor does it excuse me from letting people know...but it makes it all the harder to tell people about it.

Ok, you gotta keep in mind, that I live in a small town on the Canadian prairies of about 4000 people, so, whether you want it to or not, and whether you LIKE it or not, people WILL talk about you.  People WILL gossip about you. Reputation, unfortunately, is a huge thing and, people will not admit this, but jealously is a huge thing here too.  The motto of 'keeping up with the Jone's" seems to come to my mind with a LOT of people in the area. 

For example; "did you hear? so and so got a new massive camper that is nicer than my home.  How can they afforrd that, a brand new 2013 truck, boat, ATV etc "  OR  "did you hear that so and so are going to Mexico yet again!?!? This is their third time there this winter!  BUT WE are going here and here and here and we got it at SUCH a good deal...hahahaha"

Get my feeling? 

Now, this is NOT a post to "bash' my town or the people here..cause honestly...I have grown to love it since graduating from college...its just on days like today-it REALLY ticks me off.  

And the comment made to me...although I DO understand where it is coming from...really rubbed me the wrong way...However, the biggest thing that got me...wasn't necessary the comment itself..rather WHO it came from.

I went for a walk with my dad (yes IN the freezing cold :P) and he brought up the race...which ok, was cool because I know he does have mixed feelings towards it (which is normal for any trip Ive done/been on...we just deal with it and make it work).  My plan, is to slowly talk to my parents about it, (yes they are both well aware that this is what I AM doing no matter what-so it is not like they do not know about it) and allow them time to get used to the idea of me doing it.  So the conversation started off great.  He asked about AIM and specifically the WR.  He then asked about the people I will be traveling with...if I knew anyone from the area etc etc so I mentioned that "no I do not know anyone from the area who is going but I have been skyping teammates and its really cool".  He seemed cool with that so that was good. Then, just as we were walking up near to the house- he goes and says something like this, "just don't tell too many people and be careful to who, and how, you say it and talk about your trip too-you do not want to make people mad"

HELLO TOTALLY OFFENDED

First off-I think I know how to handle myself pretty good around people
Second of all-people that really know me...will NOT be hurt, or mad at me for going on the WR
Third of all- This is a HUGE thing for me..and i KNOW I will need mega prayer support and by tellign people about it, is the only way I am going to get it


Yah, I was mad.  God and I had quite the chat as I walked back to my apartment later.  I just couldnt believe he said that how he did...like really dad, dont you know me? I tried to stress to him my second point, about how the people who know me, will be/are nothing but excited and happy and SUPPORTIVE of me...

I know that this is something I will have to work through with my dad yet. Believe me. I do know that.  But right now, I really dont want to at all. I sometimes just want to smack him upside the head and knock some sense into him....but then again, I honestly do not think that that will help.  yes, some of it is just his personality...but part of it is also this @$!@ town.  I totally get/understand when he talks about people heading down south 'left right and center' and how when THEY talk about it, it is in a form of "rubbing it in' and 'flashing' the fact that they have money to do that where as others do not. 

I know this has always been a sensitive issue with my dad...money I mean..as I know there has not always been a lot extra and I KNOW how hard he works and always has worked, to provide for us.  I honestly do not know anybody who works harder for their family then my dad does for ours...and I really DO love him for it...I just wish that he would see that there is so much more to life then money money money.  I just do not know how to get it through to him.

oh a side, somewhat random note which is funny in a not so funny way....part of me cannnot wait for the day when certain people stand before God and have to answer to Him.  People that I know here, who serve nothing BUT money (however that may look). People who I know DO look 'down' on me or give me that look of "oh, Nikki is doing some sort of missions 'kick' again".

Guess what people, its not a 'kick'.  Missions, serving God and reaching people for HIM; will give me a greater rewards eternally than your money will ever give you.  (side note, I know I should not be doing this for 'reward', and I am not-trust me---I just re read that and it may sound a little like that...but that is NOT what I am implying in that statement at all..I am just saying in the long run, people's money, their degrees that they spent 1000's of dollars, and time on...will end.  Thhose things will not be joining them in eternity).

Life is about relationships. Not money.  I still clearly remember the time I spent while overseas on different trips...how the PEOPLE that I met, impacted me.  How, for example, watching my Filipino 'sister', who I have SO MUCH respect for, minister and love those street kids in Metro Manila..and seeeing those "rough' street kids who travel blogs warn about-love her back with a love that most of us never will understand...blows my mind and I am so incredibly blessed to have been able to share/experience just a small piece of that in my life. That moment, was 101% worth every penny I spent to go..and I would do it again.

Zambia...exactually the same thing. I've spent $7000 in a span of 19 months to go to Zambia for 4 weeks total.  I would do it again.  In a heart beat.  Until people experience things like that for themselves...they will never 'get it'...this fact saddens me and frustrates me, to a core.  In the meantime...I will keep doing what I can, to love even the 'least of these' and pray that God will work, that He will shine through me...cause I know He will.