Matthew

So plan for the summer or how ever long it takes, is to not read, but listen through the entire New Testament.  I recently downloaded the New testament, and am currently working on getting the old Testament..and have started to listen to it.  Wow...I am in Matthew 11 and wow that book is packed full of stuff!  I mean I know that.  I know the entire bible is FULL of stuff, good stuff from God, but one forgets yeah know.  Just for a little background.  Right now, I dont know where I am at Spiritually.  I wouldnt go as far as saying its a spiritual low (valley) or a spiritual high (mountain top) type experience...it just is.  I am numb.  I know God is here.  I know He is around, yet I feel almost alone...facing this thing called life bymyself.  However, I am also thirsty, there is something inside of me wanting more, wanting to go deeper, to continue to learn and grow IN the word and THROUGH the word.  I finished recently reading a book called Ruthless Trust, by Brennan Manning...and I recommend it.  Simple read, yet profound in a type way.  I am now reading "Searching for God knows What?" by donald Millar.  Now I dont think I am a huge Donald Millar fan just by the way he writes, yet the book itself, IS very good and I am learning.

But wow, listening through the first few books in Matthew...I dont know what it is, but something clicked.  As Humans, how stupid are we really?  How stupid am I that I worry? That I doubt? That I think I am in this alone, when I know I am NOT in this alone.  I have friends who love and care for me.  Why are there some days when I think I am nothing, when work sucks, family relationships suck and I want nothing more to do but then to just cry?  Yet other days, are days to remember, days to rejoice and give thanks?  Were we not told to pray without ceasing? To give thanks ALWAYS?  Through the good and bad and everything else!?

In Matthew, there are a few different accounts of people who didnt ask questions...they just believed and where healed (Matthew 8:1-14), the man with Leporsary and teh Centurion to mention a few.  They had this amazing faith.  Yet Jesus disciples, a few verses later in v. 23 doubt when the waves get a little higher and scarier when they are on the water.  jesus asks them why they doubt.  Why did they doubt...they had just witnessed all of what Jesus had done...Yet why do I doubt!?  I have not only these amazing stories adn a way to live by from teh examples Christ gives us throughout the bible, but I also have my own personal experiences where I have SEEN prayer work, wehre I have experienced a peace that I know can ONLY come from God, where God's timing is SO evident and the list could go one.  Why do I then so quickly doubt as well!?  Why do i struggle to, so very much, to believe'?  Why is going to church on Sundays, hard, yet going and doing other stuff, istn hard?  why do I ask, "where is Jesus"  when Jesus is asking, "Nikki, where are you?  I am still right here, I have never left you, remember I am your Unmovable rock...a VERY present help in trouble, call to me and I will answer you, I went to the cross to bore YOUR sins.  I was tempted just like you, I lived, breathed and walked onthe earth just like you are doing" 

needless to say, a lot more could be said, but  Listening to matthew was really good, and I think I have decieded to, instead of listening to music biking to work each morning, to listen to tehbible to and from work...a few verses here, a few verses there.  To immerse myself into the word...to KNOW God...perhaps then this feeling 'solo'/ 'alone' will cease to exist..yeah...I miss people, but perhaps what I really miss...is GOD and what we used to have...or what I thought we had...
Pray for me k?