I felt very small tonight
I also felt very overwhelmed
I had/have lots of questions for God
AND, quite frankly, angry at God
yet despite these emotions-also a deep sense of being LOVED by Him-that He is calling me/telling me to "come to the cross and lay your burdens down"
Both my dad's mom, and my mom's dad-have been in (and out) of the hostpital latey. this evening-I went with my mom to visit my grandpa a bit. He didnt look very good (better than this morning apparently, but still not good). Now him and I, have never been close (he is actually my mom's step dad-long story) anyways as we were visiting him in his room-two other elderly patients there, poked in. One had his ear bandaged up and seemed really confused and walking really slow, and the other was a lady in a wheelchair speaking low german (which I do not understand but was apparently asking "where is my husband" as my mom translated for me later). Now with these three (my grandpa can barley move himself and is swollen all over-he fell twice and other people in my family are not visiting him for a variety of different reasons, but they are taking a toll on my mom and thus-affecting me but anways) between these three (and a later conversation I had with mom) it made me angry at God that he would allow these pepoel to 'become like that' (lost, confused, hurt etc). Enter my grandma-her too-recently fell and broke her arm. ANYWAYS she IS doing better (even played rummi kube tonight :) ) but here is a lady, who WANTS to go home (heaven) and is wondering "Why not me" (another post for another time). I walk out of her apartment-eyes heavenlyward toward the clear night sky- and ask "why God". Feeling very overwhelmed right about now. And feeling angry at God
Enter 2 hours long conv. with my mom on what I just experience-with more questions than answer after the conv. (really GOOD conv tho)-begin questions with/for God.
finally-walk home at night. Cool crisp clear winter night and the stars shining bright with the moon as a sliver. this is where i feel very small.
 |
| (not what I saw, but I liked the picture!) |
If the Creator created the amazing stars that i just saw, and knowing HE has made everything else my eyes have seen in my life time this far, yet just HOW MUCH MORE HE loves ME than all creation-sends shivers all around me. I AM SO LOVED!!! Created in HIS image. Like really, how awesome is that!?!?
Do I know what tomorrow will bring? no no idea. will I ever get answers to the bajillion questions i have? I doubt it. Will the seniors that I encountered tonight-be healed? or will they join God up in heaven in a short while? I do not know. But I know it says "rejoice always, I will say it again, rejoice!" and there is a "time and place for everything in Heaven" but more importantly-Christ said "it is FINISHED" as He hung on a tree all those years ago and now is reaching out His hand to me asking me, "Nikki take my hand, my yoke is light, let ME carry YOU"
Why is it so hard to let go and give it all to Him!?!
No comments:
Post a Comment