Meeting Jesus (O Death where is your sting?)

I have started this blog over about 5 times already- never quite sure what will become of it or how to properly express the turmoil going on inside my head and the peace within my heart. 

It’s Sunday afternoon and I am at my parents.  The song “Magnify” by We are Messengers is on repeat, playing through my computer speakers.  Around me, my eyes pick up glimmers of white mini lights, hidden in the greenery, that mom has put up for this Christmas season.  To my right, flowery displays of exotic plants capture my sense of smell as I am drawn back to faraway lands; trying to forget the reason why the house seems to have suddenly become a mini flower shop in the matter of 48 hours…but more about that later.  Outside, nature is doing its part in helping bring a ‘white Christmas’, as I watch the frozen mix of rain/snow fall from the sky.  On the ground below, there are still remnants of summer days passed as the green grass is struggling to poke through the thin layer of snow that has fallen.  I find myself smirking; realizing the irony of it.  As much as I would like a snowy/cold white Christmas, I hate the crappy driving conditions and the debate of ‘should I go out on the road tonight…if I don’t have too’, that comes with weather like this.  

 Jesus.  Even in a season that has just passed…You were still GOOD.  In the season yet to come, Jesus you WILL still be GOOD.  Jesus, right here and now- you ARE GOOD.

Little did I know that a simple text Tuesday afternoon at 3:07 from my mom-asking for me to say a simple prayer for Grandpa-would be the start of a crazy, unexpected ending to an otherwise ‘normal’ week.  27 hours later, instead of finding myself getting ready for another evening of youth, I found myself caught up in a moment that I never thought I would ever have to experience.  With all the experiences that God has brought me to, and through, I had never experienced HIM quite like I did between 6:00-6:20 that Wednesday evening and I am having a hard time explaining it.   

Perhaps, one of the greatest honour's this side of Heaven, is to be in the same room when someone takes their final breath of their earthly life.  That moment when you realize that they are now face to face with Jesus…words cannot express it.  It is a humbling, tender and a very raw experience.  It is a HOLY moment like nothing I’ve ever felt before.  The power within the room, as a person is released from a broken body and a hurting world…into a complete healing and a pure FREEDOM…wow…

Death isn’t new.  In my own way, I’ve experienced it many times before.  Through the eyes of a 4 year old, not able to understand why mommy was so sad and why visiting Grandma and Grandpa on the farm now, would be different because Grandma wouldn’t be there.  Instead being told that, “Grandma would be with Jesus, watching you play and grow up, from Heaven”.  As a child, experiencing the first loss of a pet and the anger that came with that.  As a pre-teen; seeing the pain in close friends as they lost their grandparents but being jealous at the fact they HAD their grandparents with them for many more years than I did mine.  As a teenager, slowly learning to try and understand the death Jesus chose to die on the cross for me.  As a college-aged young adult-cramming through endless hours of papers and exams; discovering more of more of WHO Jesus is.  

As a college graduate with a B.A. in Mission, ready to ‘take on the world’, only to have to learn how to walk through the experience of death once again, as my brother dealt with the death of a high school classmate in a freak accident.  Being told while on my first mission’s trip to Africa, that the young child I held in my arms, would probably be dead within the week due to lack of human contact.  A year and a half later, being back in that same hospital in Africa and hearing the wails of a mother down the hall, whose baby was just born stillborn.  Losing my first niece to miscarriage and learning that 50% of (first) pregnancies end in miscarriages. Learning to deal with death from afar while in Serbia, when I got news of one of my youth girls dying in an accident.  Wrestling with wanting to hop on the next flight home, to be with my other girls who I knew were struggling, but knowing that God had placed me where I was for a reason.  Praying for a sick grandma to be healed while in the Philippians, only to hear that she passed away while we were on our way back to our contacts a short while later, brought about an anger within me towards God.  While back teaching in Africa, hearing news that the baby boy we literally just rescued, died due to constipation… tore at my heart.  Bumping along to his funeral…seeing mounds upon mounds of grave sights…it does something to a person.  It changes how one views life and death. Arriving home and learning my uncle was sick with an incurable disease that only 1 in a million Canadians have…seeing his health quickly decline in a matter of months.  Yet, having the honour of being asked to read his obituary at his funeral.  I will never forget that.  I took a moment to look up from the pulpit as I read-there was not a dry eye in that packed church.  One life but the impact it had on many…over a year later and those feelings are still hard to explain what I felt flow through me in that moment.  

Perhaps all those (and more) prepared me for that Holy moment on Wednesday.  

While I don’t ‘wish’ that experience on anyone, I am thankful to God that I was able to experience it.  In its own way, even in death, God revealed His ultimate love to us (me) in a very real, tangible way.  After all, wasn’t it God’s ultimate display of love for you and I that sent Jesus to the cross to die?  I know what I felt on Wednesday evening…how much more powerful, more HOLY, more filled with LOVE must it have been when the Son of God died.       

Although there is a season to mourn and grieve, I rejoice knowing that someday I too will experience an earthly death.  It is in that moment, that I look forward to seeing all those who have passed on, before me.  More importantly, it is in that moment that I await, with great anticipation, to hear the words spoken to me (a servant) by my Master…words that I know my Grandpa heard Wednesday evening… “Well done good and faithful servant.  You have fought the GOOD fight to the very end.  Welcome home to eternal glory”. 

Once Upon a Time- {How 1 month in India changed my life}

"How did I become to so blessed to grow up in the country that I did? How is it that, what I can pack in 80 gallons worth of backpack space, is worth more than what these kids will ever see in their lifetime?”  It feels just like yesterday, that I nodded in silent agreement, at loss for anything else, at my squad mate’s question.  She voiced what we were all thinking.  It was the same thoughts, questions and conversations with God, that I had each and every day as I walked passed the shanty village, to and from Grace Home; our sight of ministry for the month. 

If I am being really honest with you, India was the one month on the World Race that I was NOT looking forward to.  In fact, I will even go as far and say that I was dreading each and every moment of it.  Nonetheless, it is in India that I found myself in October 2013. 

Despite the fact that India has become one of those months that I don’t find myself talking a whole lot about, I am continuing to realize how perfectly timed it was that God placed it into my life when He did.  3 years later and the impact remains. 

It is in India, where I ate more rice and curry than I ever thought possible and it is in India that I TRULY discovered my love for authentic chai tea regardless of the sweat pouring off my face in the +40 degrees Celsius temperatures.  It is in India, where I (we) aimlessly followed our fearless (female) contacts through a literal wall of fire set ablaze across the street (after having been yelled at in a foreign language, by locals on motorbikes). It is in India, that teammates and I hopped on a Tuk Tuk and told the driver to “take us on an adventure”, all for only 10 cents. It is in India, that I learned that Larry the cucumber was right-not only does everyone WANT a water buffalo…everyone HAS MULTIPLE water buffalos! It is in India, where team mates and I unknowingly ‘crashed’ an Indian wedding.  It is in India, where I discovered that “OFC” was the next best thing to KFC- just don’t ask what the “O” stood for…and, thanks to India, I can officially take “survive an international newsworthy typhoon” OFF my bucket list.  Ironically enough, it is also because of my experience IN India, that led me to even consider the current profession I am in (direct support worker with adults with Intellectual/physical disabilities); I truly believe that my time in India, has given me an unique understanding/perspective (and passion) for my job each and every day.

More importantly; it was in India, that I truly began to become aware of the spiritual world around me.  It is in India, where the Holy Spirit began to make His presence known in my life.  It is in India, where a squad-mate spoke a bold Truth INTO my life; thus challenging me and giving me a different perspective on who I was.  It is in India, where rooftop worship became one of my highlights of the entire 11 months and sleeping in my one person tent-took one a whole new meaning.

It is in India, that I fell in love with the ‘lowest of the low’ on India’s Caste system; (special need) orphans and widows and it is in India, that God showed me what it truly meant to give up everything for Him through women younger than me, foster mom’s Hannah, Sarah, and Jenny.  Young women Natasha and Abby also gave up their lives in North America, to serve Jesus in India.  Shout out to all you ladies-thank you for being an inspiration. In India; God furthered showed me my passion FOR those with HIV/AIDS through Nora, a young girl with a world of opportunities before her.  India is where I met “Wendy”, a young lady who suffered a stroke at a young age which lead to Cerebral palsy; but it is her gorgeous smile, incredible strength and a bold uniqueness that God has used to change my life.  This Wendy also happened to share the same name of my own auntie Wendy- another lady with a story uniquely her own but who shares that same beautiful smile, incredible strength and a bold uniqueness that God has also used numerous of times within my life.  Through both of these ladies, God joined to totally different worlds and used them both equally to begin to teach me the power of (physical) healing power within Him.

I don’t know why God allowed me to be born into the country that I have been.  As I walked by the shanty villages, the thought of ‘that so easily could have been me’ wasn’t too far out of my mind.  Although India was FAR from being an ‘easy’ month on every level, what I experienced was NOTHING compared to what the locals live through each and every day.  Truth is, I honestly don’t know if the young naked child who held my hand every day on the walk to Grace Home, is still alive.  I don’t know if her home consisting of scrap metal, wood, cardboard and anything else random, withstood the latest downfall of rain.  I don’t know the last time she had a bath in clean water, or even DRANK clean, non-toxic water.  In North America; law suits would quickly be set up and fancy lawyers would be pointing fingers at one another because of human right violations…but for this little girl, and those like her around the globe who I’ve had the true honour of walking with and holding, if even for a moment, I can only pray.   I can only pray to God above that, above all else, He will hold them and never let go.  Believing that one day, God will rise them up and place them right next to Him in the eternal realm of Glory.  After all, the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children such as these.

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To learn more about organization I worked along side; click here 

Holy Spirit convictions

Today is Ash Wednesday which also means that today is the start of the Lent season; the 40 days leading up to Christ’s Crucifixion and Resurrection (Easter).  It is during this 40 day period that (some) Believers (Christians) ‘give up’ something in their lives.  It doesn’t have to be something bad that they give up; in fact, it is often something that is good.  The point is to use that time to reflect on just how much we need Jesus in our lives each and every moment of each and every day.  Other Believers may choose to ‘add’ something to their daily schedules that will also help pull them closer to Jesus.  Waking up earlier to read the Bible, fasting, spending more time in conscious prayer are a few things that I have heard of people purposely ‘adding’ to their days during Lent season.  In the past, I have done both of these.  I have both ‘given up’ things and have ‘added’ things as well (separate years of course).  Like most things, I am really good at it for a while but keeping up that stamina is hard.

 

This year, I knew from the start that I would not be doing either one of them.  When I made that choice, I felt at peace about it.  After all, Jesus is supposed to be a part of our every waking moment of our lives 365 days a year…not just the 40 days before lent right? 

Enter Holy Spirit.

I’ve come to know myself (who I am) pretty well; especially over the last few years.  I have come to know how God speaks to me and I have come to trust those ‘feelings’ within me.  Learning to trusting those feelings has NOT come ‘overnight’ as it has been a long, hard, frustrating, rewarding, easy, and an incredible journey along the way with plenty ups and downs.  

Lately I have been having ‘one of those feelings’ and because I know the situation attached to it; the word ‘conviction’ is better suited in this case.  When God is trying to speak to me, His voice is constantly in the back of my head and I cannot ‘let it go’ no matter how hard I try.  NO matter how hard I attempt to distract myself or to ‘run’ from it (Jonah and the Big Fish anyone?!?!)  I had a very honest conversation with a friend/mentor of mine the other day in which I flat out said, “I know what the Holy Spirit is calling me to do, but I so don’t want to do it.  Jesus can make an exception to this situation right?  And He will allow me to act the way I (my flesh) wants to respond too right?  I mean, I have been so ‘good’ and have withheld for quite some time…Jesus can just close His eyes on this one right? I think I’ve earned it”.  My friend simply responded with a chuckle as they could totally relate to what I was/am wrestling with.  They also knew that I KNOW what to do because of how the Holy Spirit is convicting me.  Basically, they were just an ear to vent too.  The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

So what does any of this have to do with Ash Wednesday and Lent season?  God calls us to be imitators of Him.  To see, feel and act against things in this world that bring Him pain.  To care for those who are marginalized and to help bring justice in places of injustice.  I don’t know how exactly it will look and I know it will carry on way past Easter (and probably for the rest of my life) but this Lent season I know God is going to work on me, and my heart, when it comes to truly learning about justice according to how Christ sees it as.  For me, it will have a focus on learning how to forgive those who I (my flesh) feels as though have no right to be forgiven, let alone be LOVED by God, when they are the root cause of so much deep pain in so many people’s lives. Surely God will be 'okay' with it, if I don't forgive them right? (*insert typical sunday school answer here*)

Even though I know it will not be easy; I am especially excited for the next 40 days to see how God continues to speak to me and convict me.  He may lead me to have some very difficult conversations with certain individuals that I will especially need your prayers for.  He may ask me to simply be silent, something that is even harder for me, and to trust Him through the process.

In closing I ask that, if my name crosses your mind, you pray for me and this journey ahead.

Thank you

This song has been on my repeat for many weeks now and every time I hear it; God uses it to speak to my soul.  I pray it does the same to you.