Honesty

It has been one of those weeks that I wish I could just erase from history...a week that I wouldnt even re-do (even if I could make it better) I would just flat out, skip it.  But wait, that said, there were two really good coffee/hang out times during the week that actually, I would not change...but 95% of it I would change.

I need to journal, need to write or something, but as I stare at my computer screen...I wonder just how much I should say. 

TOday's sermon in church-was on gentleness-it was good and I am pretty sure it was one of those messages when its "written directly to you' type ones...only I am not sure just how much of it I heard (given whats been tumbling around in my head/heart lately).  As I sit with my computer in my lap, usually I have my praise and worship play list running in the background-songs and lyrics alike that I have grown to know and love and have helped in some awesome praise and worship times to God...but lately-I am finding it hard to listen to those songs-maybe because I know things are not right in my heart and I am so good at self guilt tripping myself, that it is just easier to not play them, to not listen to the words with what they are saying and all.  Why is giving up control so hard?

How am I suppose to help lead youth and be an example to young people around, when I am struggling so? Perhaps what some say, its true..."its my life, i will deal with it" and do just that, deal with it, but I have also come to find and believe that we were put on this earth to live in a community, to be able to trust one another and to hold each other accountable in our lives to whats going on. 
Now, I also believe that there is a HUGE difference between accountability and gossip.  Gossip just tears down, where as accountability builds up (even tho it might require some hard truth and confrontation-in the end, it is healthier)

That is something I do have an issue with this town, being small, a place where 'every one knows everyone', gossip is easy to fly around (and oh does it ever), and I have seen how it rips people apart.  What are we, as a church, doing about it? to fix it? 
We perform our 'christian duties (what the heck does that even mean?) right?  We go to church on sunday mornings, put on a face and pretend everything is good... you have done it, I have done it..quite recently actually.  Yes a large part of that is my fault (cause how are people suppose to know whats going on, if I dont let people know), but I also believe that another part of it, is the communities fault-we are too scared to step on one another toes, or to get into the 'dirt' of people's lives.  (for the record, i am NOT saying expose whatever, in fact that does nothing BUT harm to so many people), but I believe that people are truly afriad to sincerly ask, "how are you", or people are afriad to answer that question truthfully...especially in the church community.  Reputations are at stake right? we cant mess with those! goodness not!

Like I said, toddays sermon was on gentleness and one thing that I DID hear that I was reminded of and what struck out, was the very fact of HOW Jesus handled people.  He would not 'break a bruised reid" He was just that gentle...but on the flip side-HE was Killed becuase of the buttons He DID press.  reputation did not matter to Him, PEOPLE mattered.  It was as simple as that.  Where would/do i stand on that? HOw do I respond?

I think that that is part of my problem...wondering how to respond in a God-given way, one that is gentle yet firm, that is upbringing and encouraging, and not discouraging.  life is a journey, an every day spiritual battle for our souls.  It's a choice.